This is my life
by LilyBartAndTheOthers
Summary: Based on Tatjana Clasing's performance of the song, Karen centered. Merci beaucoup, Miss H.
1. This is my life

**This is my life**

**_Funny how a lonely day can make a person say:_**

**_What good is my life?_**

A rain drop fell on her eye; she vaguely blinked but didn't move, looking blankly at his shadow vanishing at the corner of the street. People kept on walking but their movements didn't match with the scene at all and so she could barely see them in a rainbow of blurry figures; surrounding her, swallowing Stanley . The rain began to pour, she frowned. Her breath was quiet if not inexistent but the almost imperceptible tearing of her heart seemed to feed the realization of an end with bitterness, a definitive failure; the weight of sequels. Passers-by were running now, huddling up against themselves, holding newspaper hats to protect their heads from the cries of the clouds.

He would come back, he always did. Even when her anger stirred up a strong desire of distance between the two of them he ended up passing the doors of their penthouse and they started it all over again. Perhaps it was how it had to work, a constant vague of feelings in the middle of a beloved tempest. They made peace, temporarily.

Her high heels sounded cold and sharp against the marble floor of the lobby. She pressed the button for the elevator, waited and stepped into it; looking at the doors as they begun to close. Her body carried herself to the library. She took off her shoes and sat down on the couch then grabbed a gray woolen shawl; holding her breath.

"Do you want something, Miss Karen?"

She didn't turn around to face her maid but stayed still. Her lips barely moved in a whispering articulation of hidden pain, misunderstanding and wonders.

"No thank you, Rosie."

She turned the light off and abandoned herself to her tears.

The vodka felt tasteless in her mouth, the effect of the pills never went to her head. She fell asleep on the sofa but woke up in the middle of the night; lonely and lost. She rubbed her eyes and looked around her at the shadows of the furniture then stood up and headed for her bedroom mechanically.

Her dress slid on her shoulders, caressing her hips before landing on the floor in a silent motion. She unhooked her bra and put on pajamas. The black silk of the clothes emphasized the reflections of her hair. She sat on the bed, pulled the sheets towards her and leaned her chin on her knees. She swallowed hard, the room was spinning around; a bad trip perhaps, a heartache. A heavy sigh escaped from her lips and she opened a chest of drawers, taking out of it a couple of photographs.

Nothing had changed on them but her smile. She had lost it that evening while arguing with Stanley ; one more time. The weight of impatience had dug a path through her soul but she was tired to fight. Her fingertip brushed their figures carefully, the perfection emanating from them. Jack's arms were around her waist as Will was kissing her cheek and Grace was pouting playfully. The notion of friendship had become blurry since the day she had met them. It had invaded her life, damaging her marriage unless it was just a coward excuse to her marital crisis. But was family more important than her friends? She might actually consider them as her closest relatives and it got on Stanley 's nerves, among the rest.

She put it down on the bedside table as her fingers made contact with the scotch holding together the two parts of the other picture. She had torn it so many times. With the years passing by she had learned to accept the rigidity of her features accusing the nervousness of the day to finally concede the fakeness of her smile. She used to be happy in the past; with Stan and before him. She had a lot of dreams that nourished her peaceful nights and warmed up the hopeful flame in her hazel eyes. She remembered the silk of the white dress that caressed her ankles softly and the innocence of a wedding. She had thought that her life would go smoothly.

She gasped and tore the photograph again pushing away from the bride she was Stanley in his tuxedo. It didn't require the slightest effort for a past scar already stripping the picture like an old injury that would never disappear. She went farer this time and reduced Stanley 's side to pieces, then let it fall down on the floor.

What had she lost? What had she become? The rain was still pouring unless it was a storm now; she couldn't really say. A low noise seemed to inhabit the background but she felt dizzy all of a sudden; and drunk. She lay down, rolled on her side and stared blankly at the half-empty bottle of Vodka next to a dozen different pills. When had she dropped out her dreams? When had it all started?

She forgot to turn the light off unless she passed out but which is sure is that she closed her eyes before the loneliness of that Friday night and let her heart pretend how good her life still was.

Her last thought went for Stan as her heartbeats speeded up their pace under a light anxiety. He would come back, wouldn't he? She looked for comfort deep in her mind but it was all blurry, untouchable. She kept on messing everything up.

She had ruined it all, killed her dreams.

She laughed in her troubled sleep before her pitiful existence; how it sounded ridiculous and vain. She had missed her goals and the worst of all was that it sounded funny, bitterly funny; so ironical.

And Karen Walker didn't succeed at all.


	2. Missing the rope, failing

**_Funny how a breaking heart can make a person start to say:_**

**_What good is my life?_**

Stanley came back but she never happened to feel the heat of his arms around her again. A white plastic table separated them, two mugs of coffee as lonely frontier and the paper slid towards her. She had married twice before and already lived it once but it took her aback. She stared at it blankly then stopped him with a vague movement of her hand; nodding.

"I know what it is."

She signed, thanked him for the coffee and left the shop. The air had become oppressive, tightening invisible claws over her throat; making her sightly blurry. She felt ashamed for having lost an old battle when she still had all the cards in her hands to carry on the flag of victory but the defeat was there. She went up Broadway, excusing herself among the crowd of tourists to get her own way and find a peaceful rest, far from a boiling world, an exhausting one. She reached the gates of Central Park , hurried to a hidden path and sat down there on a bench. She put her sunglasses on, no matter the sky was gray with menacing clouds and she stayed still, staring blankly in front of her as silent tears caressed her cheeks behind the darkness of a non-effective mask.

Her cell phone rang. Without thinking twice, she took the call and cleared her shaky voice then frowned. Grace's tone was light, joyful even. It broke her heart, she felt jealous for not being able to experience the same. Being sad was normal but seemed terribly unfair when the others were fine and you were the only one to cry.

"Karen, are you going to stop by the office today? I need you for a couple of things."

The dark-haired woman closed her eyes and shook her head.

"I don't think so. I'm sorry. I have a lot of things to do and I don't know where to start. I'm sorry."

A silence followed her reply as if her friend were perplexed, not convinced by her lame explanation. She heard a sigh, the rustle of cotton.

"Are you okay, Karen? You apologized twice within a minute. Where are you?"

"Yes I am. I just have to pack; good-bye."

Something seemed to sore inside of her but she couldn't say what. It was an unknown pain, a shooting one that spread its venom throughout her veins and reached her heart with strength. Her organ was pounding loud against her chest, she felt dizzy and her lips were dry. She was thirsty, cold and lost. She had already packed two suitcases when someone knocked at the door; she didn't answer.

She had come back to the penthouse a couple of hours earlier, rushed to her bedroom and avoided the slightest presence in the house. She wanted to be alone, she needed to or something pushed her to think that she would die at the scene if she got caught packing her things. The gossip would twirl around and set off devilish murmurs in her back. _The boss was dismissed. _Wasn't it ironical? The door got opened; she stopped and turned around, facing Will. He was holding a sheet of paper in his hand and seemed to be worried. She didn't say a word, didn't smile; didn't cry, barely breathed.

"I got a fax from Stanley . Where are you going?"

She shrugged, burst out laughing and began to cry.

"I don't know."

Her feet brushed the rope, taking possession of the improbable balance that her body required if she didn't want to fall down and crash on the floor, get hurt or even worst, die. She opened her arms slowly, fixed a spot in front of her and made a step forward. The first one was the most difficult but also the most addicting because when you realized that you could walk on the tiny string that nonetheless moved under your weight then everything sounded possible and you went on slowly, carefully; balancing from right to left. Something scared her, she jumped and failed. That was how her life was supposed to be at the end.

She ate in silence with Will that evening. She turned Jack's invitation to some party down and Grace was living in Brooklyn now. Nobody knew but Will. Weirdly enough it hadn't even crossed her mind that for being their attorney, he would come to learn the news very quickly. She didn't really mind; he was a close friend, as well as Jack and Grace. The fact was that she didn't understand why she had a broken heart.

Did she happen to love Stanley ? She had never thought about it before. There was evidence that tended to blur her mind, and life had just gone on between the sparkling light of money and the lightness of a sweet routine. She had learned to enjoy his presence, get attached to his words, the way he used to smile at her but it hadn't lasted long enough and they had both grown tired.

She opened a suitcase and looked at the bedroom awkwardly. She didn't feel at home. She knew the place by heart and had always liked it but the sudden twist of the situation brought a whole different shade to the flat. The spell had got broken.

"Is everything alright?"

She looked at Will and blinked. Their gestures were awkward, seemingly artificial. She relied on him a lot but explicit demonstrations of affection towards each other simply lacked spontaneity. It was forced; nice but pointless at the end, a bit frustrating. She rolled her eyes and smiled brightly. Her eyes were sparkling through dilated pupils. She was drunk and high, safe.

"It's just another divorce, honey."

The smell of coffee woke her up and she opened her eyes slowly, wincing before the light of the day. Like a mechanical process, her brain began to assimilate and analyze every element one by one, little by little; how the noises and smells from the kitchen were too close, how her bed seemed narrow. Her hand padded the mattress and she realized that she was on the couch of the television area, huddled up against herself. Will was standing in front of her, smiling forcefully then he made a mug slide on the coffee table in front of her.

She took a sip in silence, savoring the bitterness of the hot drink in her mouth. She raised an eyebrow and stared at the hardwood floor a bit sleepy; whispering;

"I failed at living."


	3. Moving on, slowly

**_Funny how I often seem to think I'll never find another dream_**

**_In my life_**

"It's not a matter of infidelity, but disagreement."

_In a word, it's just over. One more time. _Nobody insisted. Perhaps Karen's discomfort was evident enough and so they stayed quiet over it. When you looked at her in a furtive and superficial motion, she seemed to be light, almost relieved but as soon as you deepened your concentration, you began to notice a zillion details from the coldness of her smile to her tired features and the conclusion was obvious: she was sad.

She narrowed her hazel eyes and shook her head. She had observed the top of the cardboard box all the way up in the elevator; her curiosity joining her perplexity before the label, the only detail she could actually see. She knew the address by heart and its location in Manhattan enough to avoid the area scrupulously. A reluctant coincidence at the corner of a street would have been delicate, annoying if not painful. She had opened the door of Will's flat, weighing the parcel, incredibly light; before putting it down on the coffee table. And now she was there, staring blankly at it. It wasn't her birthday, she hadn't heard of any lame plan to Mexico or Transylvania so why had her mother sent her such a large box?

She opened it, smiling; surprised. The years might have passed by but she hadn't forgotten the slightest thing. She had just put them in an old corner of her mind, in the dark, before turning the page and starting what she had called her real life, but it had only been failure after failure, crashed dreams and blurry getaways through the strength of alcohol and illegal medicine. Very slowly she plunged her hand in the box, enjoying the sweetness released by the items, the photographs. It contrasted with the sharpness of the present. What had she done with the innocence of her wishes and her hopes?

She looked at the pictures with attention, then couldn't help but gasp, biting her lower lip as Peggy Lou made its way out. The old black rag doll had accompanied her whole childhood in Louisiana until her father had died and they had gone away; always farer, aimlessly, as if her mother had only tried to escape from the tragedy of an early loss. Karen understood how difficult it had probably been but she didn't manage to pardon her mother for what she had made her live then. The injury was still burning too high.

They inhabited an old house in the white suburb of New Orleans and their cook, France, had fallen in admiration before Karen. The woman had spent an impressive amount of time working on the doll and one day she had squatted down in front of Karen and had offered her the toy, proudly and touched by the gesture. It was a little black girl with a purple cotton dress. The millionaire frowned, remembering her singular love towards the rag doll named Peggy Lou. She closed her eyes and smelled it but the old fragrance of vanilla had faded away for a very long time and Peggy Lou had lost its essence.

The last treasure she found in the box left her dubitative, a bit surprised. She took it, stood up and headed to the television area then put the video on. The screen turned green but very soon the blurriness vanished and it turned out to be some grass in a backyard. A scream pierced the air, she shivered and looked hypnotized, seeing herself walking around, a magic wand in hand. She was five years old, no more, and while barefoot in the backyard, she was dancing in a vague imitation of Isadora Duncan's style, laughing loud; smiling at the camera. A male voice appeared in the background, her dad; Karen froze, swallowed back her tears as the little girl she was by then blinked; her eyes were sparkling.

"What makes you the happiest person in the world, Pumpkin?"

Will had come back from work and as she had motioned him to stay quiet, his curiosity had led him to sit down next to her on the couch to watch what kept her so attentive. She hadn't stopped the video, not even thought about it as an eventuality. She had never really liked talking about her past but the emotion was too strong and since she had moved in with the attorney, as temporary as the situation was, they had become a bit less reluctant to open to each other; slowly, carefully, timidly.

The little girl rolled her eyes and licked her lips before smiling brightly at the camera.

"It's grenadine cordial in a glass of milk!"

A week passed by and as the sky turned darker, news from the divorce started weighing more and more upon her shoulders.

The lunch had been horrible, emotionally exhausting. Will had presented her the aspects and the vows that Stanley had made and it happened that Mr Walker was hard in negotiations for Karen's highest misfortune. Her prenuptial contract seemed to be laughing at the innocence with which she had signed it a decade ago, lost in the exhilaration of some beautiful love story. She stayed at the office very late and finally began to go to the streets, slowly ,when the night fell over New York and the irreversible logic of her return at Will's imposed itself.

It wasn't even a matter of fairness, an ironical revenge over the original purposed of her union to Stanley. The mere thought about a vague analyze of the situation got her tired and so she dropped it out, accepting it, scared to death of it, the eventual improbability of her future. Would she ever be able to maintain herself financially? She did have a job but as if she had just fallen from the top of a building and was now facing a wall of bricks, Karen was realizing little by little how dependant she could be. She didn't know a lot, about anything.

She opened the door of the flat, swallowing back her wish to spend the night alone. She hadn't imagined that she would stay at Will for so long but the weeks were passing by and the situation didn't move an inch; she stayed as quiet as possible. She was way too ashamed to dare to push him farer and play with his nerves. She stepped in, took off her coat and froze, looking at the attorney in disbelief.

"I prefer to see you as the happiest person in the world."

He made a step forward and tended her a glass of milk with grenadine cordial in it; the pink getting mixed with the whiteness of the lactose. It was just a detail, almost imperceptible, though she knew from then on that it would always be the most significant motion of care she would ever get. And surprisingly enough it came from Will. She looked at him and smiled. Perhaps there was actually nothing surprising about it.


	4. Post it me

**_Till I look around and see, this great big world is part of me_**  
**_And my life_**

The truth was that she didn't want to move out. Something had hit her mind but not in a furtive motion, on the contrary. It had been a slow process, reassuring, comforting. Then she had simply opened her mind to another kind of life. For a very long time the dark-haired woman had imagined that possessions would fulfill her aims, satisfy her decisions and bring the required dose of daily happiness to her soul. Of course it had to do with her lame childhood and her complicated adolescence but as she took off her wedding ring, she realized how easily it was to get rid of it. She felt relieved, weak and insecure but nonetheless hopeful and the warmness of such sentiment hadn't occurred to invade her heart since her father had died. She needed references and care, like a little girl perhaps. She had had to grow up too quickly but she was now claiming for her own time in order to reach a complete blossoming. Money didn't match with her aspirations. She held her breath and frowned before the dry conclusion; then made a timid step forward.

Will Truman had principles and a very well-determined routine as if the slightest scheme were essential to his breathing. There was a time for everything and what had looked like ridiculous manners for so long suddenly turned out to be soft shades of an existence Karen had always silently wished to get. It got along with her needs, her mood; he found out a projection of Grace's absence in her.

They didn't speak about it. A comparison with the interior designer would have been reductive but logical; certainly not constructive, maybe even negative on their new dynamism. They might actually have more things in common that what they had thought in the first place.

On Monday he spent the evening working on some cases. She used to go out with Jack, hang around in the area before coming back home on her tiptoes not to wake him up. He always left a lamp on; she never went to sleep without glancing at his closed door or listening to the peaceful silence of the night.

On Tuesday they watched television and after a ten-minute regulation argument, they ended up settling their choice over a black and white movie. He loved Casablanca; she had a thing for Marnie if not, for Hitchcock in general. She knew the director's productions by heart but couldn't help falling under the spell every time, captivated by the plot and the classic talent of the actors.

On Wednesday he worked out. She stayed at home, took a bath; made phone calls. The flat was tiny and she enjoyed being free to invade the space according to her own wishes. It was a chaste marriage that connected her to Will, a series of implicit compromises eased by the light relief of being alone from time to time.

On Thursday they played Scrabbles unless Grace stopped by and so they kept on chatting all night long until they realized how late it was. Then the red-haired woman called a cab, went back to Brooklyn and never showed up at work before ten or so in the morning. The distance was hard to handle, for the four friends, but life had to go on and Grace was with Leo now.

On Friday they dated invisible partners, illusory flings just to reassure themselves that they did have a life out of their platonic routine. Perhaps he actually saw some guys; after all he came back the next morning a couple of times. She never did though. She wasn't ready at all and preferred to spend the night in the darkness of some movie theater before heading back to Morningside Drive at some regular time. She always had a thought for Stanley then; what he could be doing, with whom.

On Saturday they were out with Jack and Grace; a restaurant, a play, it didn't really matter as long as the four friends could be together. He used to wake up early in the morning to go down to the French bakery at the corner of Amsterdam and she always found a bunch of croissants next to her coffee while stepping out of her bedroom later, still half-asleep; if you respected Will Truman's rules then life turned to be easy going, pleasant.

Sunday passed by very fast as they let, for once, their instincts guide them away. Nobody had plans, nobody cared about rules and schemes; determined activities. She loved reading, huddled up under a woolen duvet while he spent a lot of time with Grace. They had their moments when Karen and Jack were discarded but the dark-haired woman didn't care. She knew that he would always come back at one moment in the evening and if she didn't happen to see him then, Monday morning would satisfy her beloved routine.  
Friday evening; she lit up her cigarette and let the smell twirl in her hair then leaned her head backwards and closed her eyes. A soft breeze was caressing her face; the air was warm for September and the sky still carried on the stars of a mid-summer night.

"There's no coffee anymore."

Grace made her way on the terrace and settled next to Karen. The millionaire nodded, kept on staring at the river opposite the street; vaguely hidden by the trees. She shrugged and played with her cigarette, narrowed her eyes.

"I will put a post-it on Will's door. He goes to the market on Saturday morning and buys it out there. He told me about a couple of things but not coffee. He probably doesn't know about it."

The interior designer smiled but looked down to dissimulate her obvious amused expression.

"You should marry him, Karen. I would have never thought that you two would hit it off so well."

"It's a matter of adaptation and necessity though if I'm fed up with him sure one day, I'll marry him and then if everything goes well, we should get separated in the next week. That's a typical life _made by Karen_."

Feeling the bitterness of her friend's reply, Grace tended a bright pink sheet of paper to her; Will's post-it.

"I found it on the door of your bedroom."

Karen grabbed it and burst out laughing.

_Ran out of toothpaste; took yours. Why the hell do you buy a kid one? Now my mouth's making bubbles like a disgusting strawberry flavored chewing-gum. It's official, you ruined my date._


	5. A blackout in her heart

**_This is my life_**

**_Today, tomorrow love will come and find me_**

It came by mail on a Thursday morning. The rain was pouring; she was filing her nails quietly at the office while Grace was off at some meeting. The courier stepped into the room and made her jump. She hadn't heard him enter. The pen slid on the sheet of paper the man was holding, leaving behind her signature and it's only when he went away that Karen realized what she had just accepted. The divorce; it had been finalized in the morning and the answer was in her hands now, wrapped up in a white envelop with the logo of an unknown lawyer on it. Why hadn't Will called her? He must have got it too for some obvious reasons.

She swallowed hard and frowned, opening it slowly. Her hands were shaking; she was scared to death. According to their anticipations, the dark-haired woman knew that she wouldn't see her wishes satisfied but there was still a difference between a nightmare and a relative failure. Her hazel eyes scanned the paper very quickly with the self-confidence of a well too known routine as if she had dealt with a divorce way too many times already.

"Oh my God…"

Her breath became louder. She blinked before the decision; shook her head and began to cry.

"So you got it too…"

She looked up at Will who was standing on the door frame. Her sobs had probably stifled the attorney's steps and she hadn't heard him come in. It was all getting so confusing now that she vaguely nodded and rushed in his arms. A weight suddenly flew away from her heart; she smiled against his neck, whispered.

"Thank you so much…"

Ten million; it was far from Stanley's fortune but a lot more than what she had been expecting and so in spite of the abyssal loss of money, Karen felt relieved and happy, wishing for nothing but to celebrate it. It happened that Jack was on a date and Grace had been invited at Leo's friends for dinner. She got warm hugs from the interior designer and the actor, a face-to-face evening with Will. She wanted it to be perfect like the sudden shade of her new existence because while turning the Walker page, Karen was sure that novelty could only be bright. She saw it as a second chance and there was no way for her to ruin it.

She left the office early, stopped by a deli and finally locked herself at Will's to prepare everything. She hadn't cooked for so long that the awkwardness of the first minutes slowed down her schedule but by eight o'clock the table was set and she had put on a knee-length black dress; a silly smile of deep happiness lighting up her features. She was so light, hopeful.

Will gasped and froze, completely taken aback by the situation when he passed the doors and put down his briefcase before looking at Karen in disbelief. The last time she had actually decided to cook, they had ended up ordering a pizza but the smell that was escaping now from the oven had nothing to do with some bad experimentation. He shook his head and frowned; she nodded and shrugged.

"The meal is ready… I hope you're hungry."

None of them really dared to speak at the beginning. She had put on candles everywhere, thinking it would bring to the living-room an intimate and peaceful light but the truth was that it sounded way too romantic for a face-to-face between the two of them. They both resented a pressure, artificiality, but didn't know how to deal with it. The red wine loosened their tongues though and they began to relax, little by little. The conversation set off like any other day. She just avoided talking about Stan and her plans now that she was in position to make a step forward. The unknown tended to worry her, make her feel insecure; and so she preferred to stay quiet over it not to ruin her latent happiness.

She was cleaning the table when something on her right caught up her gaze. For a couple of seconds she looked all around, perplexed before her incapacity to get a conclusion over the change that had nonetheless troubled her activity. A glance by the window; she realized it. New York was plunged in the darkness. Streetlights seemed to have been stolen by the immensity of the sky and the buildings were now vague figures of giant ghosts wandering silently through Manhattan. A blackout; she grabbed a candle and rushed to Will's bedroom. The attorney had retreated there for a shower five minutes earlier. She pushed the door and called out his name.

"Yes I'm here."

The flame lit up his face; she made a step forward and shrugged, smiling forcefully.

"You might need a candle. Keep this one."

He thanked her quietly, put it down on the bedside table; observed her back. She didn't look fine at all.

"Karen, are you okay?"

"I miss the light…"

When she was five years old, she had been locked by accident in the cellar of an old house. She had spent eight hours in the dark, sobbing slowly; certain that nobody would ever find her again. If it hadn't been for the cook who had finally opened the door to take out a bottle of wine, Lord knows how long she would have stayed trapped in the humid place. Years had passed by, though she had kept a disturbing relations to darkness from that incident. She could still feel the humidity of the walls and the oppressive silence of the place all around her. She was a bit scared.

Before the unexpected confession Will stayed still, not knowing what to do or say. That was the problem with Karen. She was so secretive that the day she finally dared to speak, it got her audience confused and then she had to face a silent wall of blinking eyes. He cleared his voice and hugged her tightly, awkwardly. She didn't complain but broke the embrace very soon; then left.

His hand was already on his duvet when he heard some steps behind him. He turned around and faced Karen. She opened her mouth to speak, vaguely leaned over but froze; holding her breath. Her features contorted as if she were about to burst into tears. She bit the inside of her mouth, shook her head and murmured.

"I'm sorry."

His lips were warm against hers as she softly leaned over to kiss him. His hand slid on her waist; she caressed his neck. Something sounded wrong all of a sudden, she felt a light movement of her heart as they lay down on his bed. He deepened the kiss and she sighed in his mouth. Her high heel brushed the mattress and she took it off; her foot going up his ankle.

His hand passed under her dress and made its way to her thigh. The fine fabric of her stockings against his fingertips vanished very soon in the boldness of his gesture as he reached her inner thigh, the lace of her thong. The skin-to-skin contact sent shivers to their spines and no matter how wrong it was, none of them broke apart.


	6. Ain't ya gonna stop by Harlem?

**_But that's the way that I was born to be_**  
**_This is me, this is me_**

A loud noise woke her up a bit violently. She jumped, opened her eyes and stared at a gray sky with heavy clouds of rain menacing New York. She restrained a yawn and let her brain wander between the quietness of her dreams and her comeback to reality through a blurry analyze and it's when she realized that she was in Will's bed. The attorney wasn't there though; for her highest relief as the contact of the sheets with her skin made her understand that she wasn't wearing the slightest piece of clothing. It came back to her mind by successive waves of hot air; a moan, a sigh, his lips capturing hers in the sensuality of their caresses. She leaned up on her elbows, gauged at the alarm clock and put her hand over her mouth to restrain a scream; 9.30. Then she began to panic.

While stepping out of the cab, Grace thought how funny it was to pretend to know Manhattan by heart. It was a ridiculous idea that fell down like a house of cards as soon as you came to face an area you had never gone to before while it did belong to the city you were supposed to know so well. She looked all around her, instinctively tightening her grip on her purse and frowned before checking the address that Karen had given: 180 East 111th. She had expected a restaurant or some hype art gallery but she was standing in the middle of Harlem, surrounded by brownstones which apogee had unfortunately declined for way too long and what had been the residence of the aristocracy was now in ruins; people looking desperately for an ounce of dignity there, the slightest bit of the American dream.

She nonetheless climbed the stairs and was about to knock on the door when Jack arrived, obviously as confused as her. None of them got enough time to elaborate some explanations and the door flew open, making them jump. Karen was standing on the doorframe, dancing on her feet; a bright smile playing on her lips. She looked euphoric.

"Oh I knew you were there! Come on in!"

Perplexed, they followed the dark-haired woman in the single room of the basement, empty but immense. What had probably been a backyard in other times was now pushing leaves and wild flowers against a broken window, asking nothing but to penetrate the so-called living-room. Sure the place owned its charms but nobody dared to make a step forward just in case the hardwood floor wouldn't support their weight. Karen took a deep breath, smiled shyly and nodded at them.

"So what do you think?"

"What do we think about what?"

Dreading an answer that was becoming more and more evident as the seconds were passing by, Grace swallowed hard and began to pray for a misunderstanding, a bad dream.

"I was strolling this morning when I saw this house and it looked abandoned so I pushed the doors; long story short… Welcome home!"

Karen shrieked delighted; arms in the air. Will arrived at this exact moment but he pushed the oak door too strongly and caused another window to break into pieces. Nobody complained though. If the situation had been different, they would have opposed a reasonable behavior before the millionaire's crazy purchase but they simply smiled and looked for the right dose of enthusiasm. Her divorce from Stanley might have touched her a bit more than what she accepted to recognize.

She avoided his gaze, barely spoke to him. She was dreading the moment when they had to face each other and she apologized for everything. She had needed tenderness and care; he had happened to be there, opening his arms to her. She should have stopped before the situation evolved so much but now it was too late and all they had to do was turn the page and stay quiet over it. After all, everybody had secrets.

She showed them the rest of the house, announced that she had already moved in which caused them to choke and cough. There was no electricity, no effective door and it was in Harlem. She shut their mouths with a frosty look and proved ton them that she still could have a fireplace in every single room. They didn't reply, just looked at each other with worried faces. Will swallowed hard before staring at Karen's smile that had frozen on her lips like an artificial flower that would resist a storm in the middle of a tropical island. She was running away from him for some obvious reasons; and it hurt.

She felt ashamed; not for having slept with Will but because if she were given another chance to go back in time, she would do it all over again. It had been sweet, too perfect. Their awkwardness had got the shapes of sincerity and the slightest kiss, the mere caress, had turned into the fluid connection imposed by logic. That was frightening. As much as they would never do it again, she would excuse herself if while thinking about the way she had shivered in his arms, a melancholic smile would always light up her eyes.

They put the cardboard boxes of the Chinese take outs in a trash can abandoned in the middle of the backyard and began to retrieve for the coats. It was time to say good-night. Crossing her arms against her chest, Karen looked at them shyly. She wasn't scared to stay in what looked like a rickety shack for the whole night. She had spent the day preparing the largest room of the second floor to have a proper place to sleep in. Anyway she would have preferred to stay in the street than to go back to Will's and face the aftermath of her own stupidity.

Karen closed the door, turned around. The house looked immense by night. She felt alone. She headed to the window overlooking the backyard, contemplated the shadows of the trees getting reflected on the wall of bricks. Someone cleared his voice in her back. She jumped, stared at Will. None of them spoke, perhaps waiting for a step from each other but she frowned then shook her head, pleading him in silence for a rest; asking him to stay quiet, forever.

He sighed and left.


	7. La tetera

**_This is my life_**  
**_And I don't give a damn for lost emotions_**

She leaned her chin on the palm of her hand and pouted at her reflection in the mirror. Her lips were swollen as if someone had just planted a kiss on them. Her fingertips brushed the smooth skin, she closed her eyes. Since her night with Will she had carried on the weight of his mouth on hers like a heavy secret warming up a heart. She thought about it a lot if not constantly but whenever the reminiscence of his body penetrated her mind, she shook her head, switching her activity.

She had always been attracted to him, physically first and then she had learned about him; had begun to appreciate his friendship. But crossing the limits should have never happened because they had lost something then, the innocence and the strength of their relationship. It would never be the same now, because of some ridiculous needs; a frustrating loneliness and she had made it all tip over while leaning over. She had made the first step. She was the one to blame.

Something got broken into pieces in the living-room. Karen jumped, surprised, before hurrying downstairs. It was eight in the morning, on a sunny Sunday but for once the guys had come early and so she had been awoken by the rhythm of salsa playing in the background through an old radio.

The works were going on smoothly, although extremely slowly. All the windows could actually close now and the hardwood floor had found again some elegance, but the plastic covering it seemed to look after its new shapes with a disconcerting resistance and she had started wondering lately if she would actually see it properly one day without the horrible white plastic thing over it. Her feet got stuck in the plastic surface and she swore between her teeth while passing the doorframe of the living-room; then realized that she hadn't had to push or pull any door since she had left her bedroom. She frowned and looked perplexed at Juan; motioned in a dramatic gesture at the hole where an oak door used to be.

"What is that?"

"Pues eso es un hueco, señorita. Estamos trabajando con el Pedro y necesitábamos las puertas. Lo siento por la tetera. Es que no la vi."

The man tended the ruins of a teapot to her. She took them and shrugged; made a face before sighing. Pedro stepped in and waved at her. She narrowed her eyes and held her breath. She hadn't put her glasses on and her vision was completely blurry though what the guy was holding really looked like the late door of her bedroom; or at least a part of it.

"What have you done? Where are the doors, las puertas?"

She might have been a little stubborn while hiring Juan, Pedro and half of their cousins at the same time. The fact was now that she was living in the Spanish Harlem, she thought it fair to make the people of the area work and she had just forgotten that the language would become an obstacle to their slightest attempt of discussion. Against all expectations the hard businesswoman she used to be lost all her power in front of them and so they took advantage of the situation; making it last longer and longer. Frustrated, the millionaire tightened her grip over her shawl and rushed back to her bedroom then let a scream escape as she realized that she couldn't even slam the door this time.

By ten o'clock someone knocked on the wall. She looked up from behind her novel and growled. Juan poked his head; he looked intimidated. She put down her book next to her on the mattress, crossing her arms.

"What do you want now? Have you broken another teapot?"

"Tu amigo está aquí. Dice que se llama Will."

Her heart sped up its pace as she heard his name out loud. She cleared her voice and began to panic. Only a week had passed by since she had slept with him and she had scrupulously avoided it until the slightest face-to-face with him. She knew that the day he would come to her, she wouldn't be strong enough to deal with it. She felt so ashamed, so sorry and at the same time happy to have something on what to hold her dreams.

The attorney came in and smiled shyly, looking all around. She had bought basic furniture and had already hung up pictures on the walls to get a warmer atmosphere. Grabbing a bra she had left in evidence on her bedside table and putting it under her mattress, she waited for him to speak. He sat down on the edge of the bed, tending a bag to her.

"I bought you donuts."

"Thank you…"

She took one and bit into it, vaguely wondering why she had to hold a conversation with Will while being in bed. This wasn't a very positive sign. She pulled on the duvet and covered her chest a bit more. She was only wearing a red silk negligee.

"I'm sorry if you were expecting some tea but Juan rompió la tetera."

"It's okay. As a matter of fact, I just came to say that…"

He hesitated, blushed; weighed his words as if he didn't dare to let them reach the air and get their whole meaning in front of Karen. He cleared his voice, opened his mouth to speak but she cut him off before; stood up and rushed to the bathroom, happy to see that there was a still a door to lock.

"Karen…"

She leaned against the wall and listened to him calling her name. She swallowed hard, took a deep breath.

"I'm sorry, Will. It should have never happened. Now go away, please. Don't ever talk about it again. Leave…"

_Stay. _She heard him sigh and walk away. She burst into tears.


	8. Mr Postman

**_I've such a lot of love I've got to give_**  
**_Let me live, let me live_**

Karen looked by the window and made a face. She had crossed her fingers all week long, hoping that for once the weather forecast would be right and it would rain but a warm sun was shining in the sky and there was absolutely no cloud. In a word, it was a perfect day for her plans with Will. She turned around and headed reluctantly to her bathroom; stepped into the shower but screamed all of a sudden as the water hit her skin in a torrent of ice. After having checked every single water area of the house, she closed her eyes and sighed. It was nine in the morning and the day promised to be long, painful.

Grace had declined the invitation politely, pretending some important family reunion, while Jack had simply advanced that he had an audition before running away to avoid giving any further explanation. So one more time she had found herself alone with Will. Nothing could make her happier as a matter of fact. She was missing him, their friendship. They used to have a weird connection, a strong one; and because of a one-night stand, they had to draw a line under it. It made her mad; if only she could get back an ounce of normality with him, but whenever they met, artificiality weighed upon their shoulders. It sounded so false, disgusting. Her heart kept on beating though and she had felt how its rhythm had speeded up as soon as the evidence had made that they would be alone, together. She still could count on the alarm in her head, a shrieking sound. Nothing would ever happen again.

She sat down on the stairs in front of her house and leaned her chin against the palm of her hand then waited. He was a bit late. She was lost in her thoughts, wondering why she hadn't cancelled it, after all she could have found plenty of time to buy plants for her backyard and Rosario would have carried them all the way back from The Bronx when she noticed a little boy in front of her. He was staring at her without the slightest embarrassment, his glasses getting his brown eyes bigger. She frowned.

"What do you want, little man?"

He was probably seven years old, no more; looked confused. He blinked.

"Where is your husband?"

She raised her eyebrows, a bit taken aback by the question but finally shrugged and answered.

"I don't have one."

"That's what my mother used to say about the mailman."

His remark made her laugh heartedly; she tended her hand to him.

"I'm Karen. What's your name?"

"My name is Terence."

She shook his hand but stood all of a sudden as Will arrived on their right, a bit breathless. She looked back at Terence and smiled.

"I'm sorry but I have to go now. See you later, little man."

The boy turned around and stared at the attorney with insistence, exactly as he had done with her.  
"He's your mailman, isn't he?"

She smirked and for whatever reason kissed Will on the cheek; regretted it immediately, blushed. She winced at her young neighbor.

"Sort of; I'm still waiting for the delivery though."

She had gone to the botanical garden twice with Stanley and his children; always found a way to escape from them and have a rest in the Japanese section. She liked the cherry trees when they were in full blossom and the tiny bridge that seemed to come from another land, another world. When she had read in The New York Times that they would give away their plants to get new ones, she had thought it would be a great occasion to take care of her own backyard. The house was cruelly lacking vegetal anyway; she just had never imagined that she would end up wandering through the alleys alone with Will. The place was terribly romantic when the sun was shining and they kept on talking a bit forcefully, trying not to pay attention at the couples they were crossing, hand in hand. They looked so happy.

Their agreement was implicit and so they never spoke about that night; the day she had got the conclusion of her divorce with Stan. They just avoidedthe situation, it was easy somehow; at least in appearances. They were about to leave and come back to Manhattan when a whole wave of clouds suddenly invaded the sky; the rain began to pour, they hurried to the subway as no cab was showing up and plunged in the crowd that had also been surprised by the unexpected twist of the weather. The train arrived and they stepped with in it difficulty. It was full; people staring at their furtive companions of travel with a slight indifference, a high curiosity.

The subway slowed down a bit abruptly and she lost her balance. Will caught her up back by the waist. She didn't say a word, didn't move. She felt his fingers slide on her stomach; press her skin to tighten the grip. He was behind her; his breath was hot against her nape. Very slowly she approached a shaking hand from his, caressed it before intertwining her fingers with his and make it go down to her lower stomach. She closed her eyes and relaxed against his chest. The world seemed to be spinning around as a wave of warmness penetrated her body at the exact place where they were leaning their hands. He passed his other hand around her waist to push her even more against him. She swallowed hard and noticed how loud her breath had turned. His cheek came to rest on the corner of her eye and she smiled brightly when his lips made contact with her skin.

It was a lonely kiss on her temple, a beloved one.


	9. Losing the game

**_Sometime when I feel afraid, I think of what a mess I've made_**  
**_Of my life_**

She sat up in bed and looked at the wall in front of her. She had tried on different colors the day before and a rainbow of paint was now decorating the dirty whiteness of the doors of her closet. She jumped as his fingertips went down her spine, caressing her skin softly before tracing invisible patterns on the curves of her hips. She closed her eyes and shivered; leaned her head backwards as he sat up too and began to kiss her neck. She passed a hand through his hair then turned around to capture his lips hungrily. He landed back on the mattress; she straddled him and deepened the kiss. It had stopped raining and they had rushed back to her house after the slight foreplays of a mere contact in the subway. She went down his body, caressing him, enjoying his heat against her mouth; under the palm of her hand. And they made love again. The light of the day was piercing through the clouds and for the very first time they couldn't hide themselves behind the pale shadows of some candles. It didn't matter; on the contrary, the nakedness of their bodies seemed to find a resonance and a natural acceptation in the trail of their kisses.

They spent the rest of the afternoon in bed, in each other's arms; quiet. She let his heartbeats rock hers until his cell phone rang and broke the spell. She sat up again and glanced at him as he grabbed the item, taking the call. It was Grace. Karen stood up quickly before retrieving some pajamas. She put them on and tied up her hair in a loose bun; then waited for Will to finish his conversation. She was nervous, pacing the room with absurdity; tidying up the place ridiculously. She turned around as he got up; shook her head.

"Go away, honey."

Her voice was blank and shaking; extremely weak. As a matter of fact, she simply felt like crying.

"I don't want it to happen again. It shouldn't have happened today. Just go away; now."

Something passed by the attorney's eyes, a sentiment of fear mixed with pain and anger. He put on his clothes and hurried downstairs; slamming the door. Her new teapot was resting on the edge of a window but his violent movement made it fall down. It broke into pieces; she looked at it blankly.

Pulling on her cardigan, Karen adjusted her bra and made the whole audience take advantage of her cleavage even more. She had started drinking at ten in the morning; vodka. The night had fallen over New York and she had stopped counting the bottles. The world was simply twirling around now and she felt like the floor had turned into smooth clouds, extremely negative on her balance. She was drunk and high; falsely happy.

She stopped by the bar and took another martini then headed back in the middle of the crowd. Grace had taken possession of a couch and didn't seem to feel like moving; Jack was flirting with some guy and Will was nowhere to be seen for her highest relief. She had been reluctant before the invitation at the beginning. She had been off since her last encounter with the attorney, three days earlier. She had seen him again but they both had strictly avoided each other. It hurt, tore her heart and she nonetheless kept on thinking that it was the right thing to do; for whatever reason. It sounded stupid because obviously none of them were happy. He was Will; she was Karen. There was nothing more to say; end of the conversation.

She wasn't in the mood for a party but at the same time, after a couple of seconds, she had come to the conclusion that it would probably be an excellent way to forget everything if not a valuable excuse to drink and gulp down pills. She didn't know the host, had vaguely heard that he was an artist whose loft was located in Morningside Heights which was pretty surprising for the area being a residential one. But now she was there, completely stoned, she had to recognize that the place was awesome; as much as the bar and the music. Besides it was large and crowded enough for her to avoid Will.

The effects of alcohol began to weigh on her heart around three in the morning and all of a sudden she felt the wave of nausea invade her. The air became oppressive; she swallowed hard. Standing up unsteadily, she made her way through the crowd and wandered aimlessly through the loft, looking desperately for the toilets. It resulted as effective as an icy shower. Her heartbeats stopped immediately; she froze. The attorney was leaned against a wall, a hand on a bottle of beer; the other on some guy's arm. They were making out roughly. She blinked, unable to move and gasped as they broke apart. Will turned around and looked at her with blank eyes before getting back to his acolyte's lips; staring at Karen with insistence. She rushed away.

A cold surface woke her up the next morning. She opened her eyes and moaned before her painful headache. She had a hangover; it hadn't happened since college. Very slowly she sat up and realized that she had fallen asleep on the floor of her bathroom. She started blushing and frowned, angry. She felt stupid, ashamed. Her vision was blurry and her eyes sore. She had forgotten to take out her contact lenses. Her pupils were red.

But the worst of all was the image sent back by the mirror. Her makeup had invaded her face, she was pale and looked damaged; pitiful like her life. Her body started shaking uncontrollably and before thinking it twice she grabbed a bottle of vodka abandoned on the countertop and threw it against her reflection, breaking the mirror into pieces; then burst into tears.

"I hate you!"

She had ruined everything; no matter how precious a life was supposed to be.


	10. I came here to tell you

**_Crying over my mistakes, forgetting all the breaks I've had_**  
**_In my life_**

"Tell me something, Karen. Speak to me."

Her hazel eyes stared blankly at Grace. She shook her head and stood up, heading for a coffee. A month had passed by since she had awoken on the floor of her bathroom thinking about nothing but Will making out with a complete stranger that he was dating now. Her hand came to lock her mouth as she thought about it and she rushed to the toilets in order to burst into tears properly. It happened a lot lately. She had lost weight and concentrated on her house, just to forget. But the evidence was there. It had hit her mind one day and she had swallowed it slowly, painfully. She was in love with Will. She wouldn't have been able to say why or how it had turned that way; or even when. The truth was there though and it made her sick for a multitude of reasons she would never resolve.

The interior designer jumped as she heard the door getting slammed; she looked at Karen's empty seat, not knowing what to do. Her friend needed help, she wasn't fine. The days were passing by and the situation was getting worst. She made her way to the bathroom and sat down next to the door. The dark-haired woman was sobbing in the background; Grace closed her eyes, if only she could hug her. She leaned her head against the doorframe, took a deep breath.

"Karen… Karen, tell me something."

The millionaire had also sat down on the floor; the fine door separating both of them. She was cold, felt lost and empty; pointless. She shivered and crossed her arms against her chest then bit her lower lip.

"I miss him."

Grace frowned. Her friend's murmur had been incomprehensible though for the very first time Karen seemed to open her heart willingly. It was still a step forward.

"I can't hear you properly."

"I said that I missed him! I love him…"

"Whom are you talking about, Stanley?"

"No, not him; it's okay."

The door flew open and Karen stepped out; went back to her desk, and began to file her nails as if nothing had happened. But the situation got repeated every day. They were all stuck.

The wind was blowing with strength and she had put on her Ipod to make the peace with herself. The phone could have rung, a fire could have started, not that she wouldn't have heard it anyway. She was off somewhere between her soul and her lonely dreams of an old past; how she had ruined it all within a second. She plunged her hand in the ground and smiled. The contact with the wet grass was peculiar but she had learned to love it. She felt like she was becoming one with the essence of this world in which it was so hard sometimes to accept our own presence. Her scream got lost in the notes of the saxophone as a hand came to rest on her shoulder. She turned around and looked at Will then blushed while realizing that she was sat on the ground wearing dirty jeans. She loved taking care of her backyard and so what? She cleared her voice; standing up. As a matter of fact they were spending more time together now that he was dating Henry as if everything were back to normal and they had closed their parenthesis. She simply stayed quiet over her pain, hiding it.

"Hi honey, how are you?"

The attorney smiled but looked down immediately, ashamed; uncomfortable. He frowned, started dancing on his feet. Her throat tightened and the tears welled up in her eyes. Something kept on telling her that she had to dread what was coming.

"I never wanted to offend you. I never wanted to hurt you, in anyway… You might have kissed me in the first place but I didn't push you away…"

"Stop talking! I don't want to hear that…"

She backed off but he grabbed her hand with determination and went on.

"No, you're going to listen to me because I can't handle it anymore. I spent the night with you and even though nothing was planned, it happened. Stop denying it or avoiding the slightest talk about it because you know that it wasn't a mistake. You felt it too; as I did. We shared a day together and we ended up in bed. I will never forget it and even less the way you looked relieved, happy and secure. I have no experience with women, the situation is complicated but here I am to tell you that I miss you so badly… It freaks me out but still, it's a fact. Can we choose these kind of things anyway? I don't think so."

Will swallowed hard as she was hypnotized by his words. Her heart was beating loud, way too much. What if it ended up exploding in her chest? Would she die?

"I love you, Karen. I can't explain it but I do; I really do. I love your smile and the way you try to hide the red on your cheeks when you blush. I love when you look at me and let me understand that you trust me. I love when you feel weak and lock your eyes with mine; when you shiver in my arms. I guess it's just that."

She blinked but didn't say a word; stayed still. The wind was still blowing, caressing her cheeks softly. She kept on breathing automatically. Will cleared his voice again and avoided her gaze for the very first time. She frowned.

"I asked Henry to move in with me but I came here because it all depends on you. I'm scared and I don't know what I have to offer you but my heart; and my arms, my whole life perhaps. I love you."

He shrugged before smiling truthfully as a nervous sigh escaped from his lips. Her heart was still beating loud.

What if she died at the scene?


	11. Curtains

**_I was put on earth to be, a part of this great world is me_**  
**_And my life_**

She leaned her head on a side, looking at him. She loved studying the color of his pupils, all the little veins coming from the depth of his head and nourishing the brown of his eyes. She simply had a thing for detail, as a matter of fact, like children. They were able to notice the smallest things in the world; the brightest ones thanks to an innocence that used to fade away with the years passing by. But she had always sworn to herself that she wouldn't become one of them and she had been right. Leaning up on her elbow she smiled against his mouth while kissing him softly but as his hand slid on her waist, they let an instinctive boldness win over their caresses. She burst out laughing while rolling over him, getting lost in his arms under the warm blanket of her bed.

It had never been so confusing than now, their future so uncertain but her heart had felt so light, cared about when he had dared to make a step forward but it didn't matter anymore. She just wanted to be with him; Karen and Will, together. The idea was appealing as much as unexpected but the most beautiful stories tended to find their springs in the charms of improbability.

He deepened the kiss a bit more and sighed as her knee caressed his inner thigh. She had leaned up, in the backyard, and passed her arms around his neck as he had captured her lips with a disturbing sincerity. Her tears had made her throat sore but all what she could think about was the heat of his body against hers and this sentiment of being alive, having a valuable reason to wake up every morning and smile. His hand travelled up her hip; he passed on top of her. Her lips were soft on his, it drove him crazy.

Karen in the intimacy had nothing to do with the woman she pretended to be in public. She used to let her guard fall down and have a rest before the constant fight she led with her weaknesses; just the required time to find again her dose of energy. But she looked quiet by then, relaxed. A natural candor seemed to envelop her features as a new kind of beauty took possession of her; a realistic one, pure even.

He traced a path of kisses down her chest, along her stomach to her feet before coming back up slowly; feeling her reaction under the palms of his hands, her shivers under his lips. Juan and his cousins were working downstairs in the kitchen and the lovers' loud breaths were getting lost in the cacophony of the hammers in the background.

The rain started pouring so Grace hurried up and ran up the stairs of Karen's house. There was no particular reason to her presence there but the fact she was worried about her friend and she had just argued with Leo. In a word, she needed fresh air and Karen's last odd behavior sounded like a good excuse. She pushed the door and smiled at the Latino entrepreneur; then looked all around. Juan approached as a torrent of incomprehensible words passed his mouth and reached the interior designer with a complete non-sense.

"I don't speak Spanish, Juan. Is Karen here? I want to talk to her…"

"La señorita está arriba con su amante. No estoy seguro de que…"

Grace followed the man's gesture towards the first floor and she nodded before climbing the stairs. The works were far from being over and plastic was still covering the floor. The doors had back their initial positions except the one of Karen's bedroom. After all the room looked bigger without the thick piece of wood and so she had hung up curtains instead. She couldn't have said why she didn't call for the millionaire; coincidence let Grace walk in silence until she reached her destination.

The interior designer's fingers slid on the curtain and she poked her head, troubled by the silence of the floor. Karen always used to listen to some music while retrieving to her bedroom or her closet. If the hammers hadn't stifled the other sounds, she might have anticipated everything and so she would have never witnessed it. She held her breath and froze while walking in on the dark-haired woman; then blushed, ashamed. She was in bed with someone, enjoying his kisses on her neck and his thrusts; their sighs getting mixed in a peculiar fusion. The duvet had been pushed aside, revealing their joined bodies, their naked flesh. Karen's feet were caressing his ankles, her hand pressing his lower back, following the movements of his penetration. It's only when he moved and captured her friend's lips hungrily that it all tipped over. It was Will.

Astonished, Grace stared at them in silence and it's only after a couple of seconds, long ones, that she realized the intimacy of the situation and her status in it. She made a step backwards and turned around but it was way too late and she would never come to forget the image of her friends' intertwined bodies, naked; moving in harmony.

They spent the rest of the day making love, unaware of the fact that their complicated relationship had ceased to be a secret, a lame one a couple of hours before. As soon as they came back to reality after a moment of ecstasy, Karen looked for some breath on Will's lips and it set it off all over again as if they were hoping that their caresses and their fusions would lead them to a total state of unity. They would become one for the rest of their lives, for the eternity.

The night fell down over Manhattan. She looked at him getting up, retrieving for his clothes. She was exhausted but fully happy; light. She waited for the attorney being ready to leave to sit up on her knees and grab his neck. The duvet slid along her body, revealing her pale complexion and her complete nudity. She leaned up; kissing him. They broke apart and her finger brushed his lips.

"I love you, Will."

And then she felt relieved; vaguely.


	12. Coney Island, my love

**_Guess I'll just add up the score and count the things I'm grateful for_**  
**_In my life_**

She sat down and let her fingers wander through the sand. _I'm in love… _She smiled at the sudden expression of her mind printed on the beach of Coney Island. What was happening? She had never felt so fine, never looked at her reflection in the mirror and faced a silly grin lighting up her face as she used to now. Her heart sped up its pace as soon as she saw him and like a couple of teenagers finding out about their feelings, they could barely hide this happiness before the resonance of their peaceful souls. Was it what love was all about? She passed her tongue over her lips, closed her eyes; trying to absorb Will's essence that he would have left there in his last kiss. The sea breeze caressed her nape and she couldn't help but sigh, delighted, as his hand slid on her waist. He planted a kiss on her neck and sat down next to her before observing the ocean.

The palm of her hand had already erased her message on the sand. She intertwined her fingers with his; leaned her head on his shoulder.

"It's like the waves are constantly fighting between the need to join the sea and the curiosity that human life could bring to them. They're torn; like us."

Will didn't reply, knowing perfectly well that Karen was speaking about their own situation towards their friends; the complexity of an ideal they didn't dare to say out loud in case it would break into pieces. She looked down and vaguely shrugged. Her fingertips were playing nervously with the sand; children were playing behind, laughing hysterically.

"Why did you not push me back that night? Why are you with me? We had nothing that tended to let people think that one day we would be here, on this beach and you would be holding me, kissing me as if there was no tomorrow. I don't understand, honey. I really don't."

It was killing her little by little, the whole situation. She woke up in the middle of the night and when he happened to be there, next to her in bed, he knew that she couldn't sleep tight. She thought about it a lot; too much. Being secretive didn't always match with her aspirations and she would have died for a kiss, the least gesture of attention from him in public.

"I don't know, Karen; Karen…"

He repeated her name just to enjoy the sound of it on his lips. He couldn't get over it.

"You seemed fascinated by me, for some reason. Then I felt attracted but it was long before you actually kissed me; perhaps a couple of years."

"Oh God…"

"But it was just an old fantasy and I would have never imagined that you might have wanted it too, at one moment… That's why I kissed you back in the first place. Then I turned addicted; it happened so fast."

"But you never hesitated; never lied to yourself as I did."

"I just got confused and even though it still sounds weird sometimes, I don't really mind. I'm fine with you. I just love you."

The sun went down slowly and they didn't move; didn't speak. She could have stayed in this position forever as the heat of his chest against her hand was sending waves of quietness to her heart. The lights began to pierce through the night and the beach got deserted.

"Do you want to go back home?"

She shook her head and smiled while contemplating the ocean in the darkness. The strength of the water got a different shade by night, a troubling one; vaguely scaring but so hypnotizing. She grabbed his hand, held it tight.

"I don't want to die…"

Her remark made him jump. He turned and stared at her in disbelief; she simply shrugged, frowning.

"It's just the beginning, Will. And we have lost so many years yet, too much time…"

She locked her eyes with his and shook her head, swallowing back her tears. Why hadn't she met him earlier, before Stanley and the others? Who had decided that it had to occur so late in her life? It was unfair, painful. She leaned over and captured his lips; he tightened the grip on her waist. They deepened the kiss and slowly lie down on the blanket they had previously been sat on. She let him pass on top of her, accepting him between her legs as his hands started travelling down her legs. The beach was plunged in the dark and the echoes of the fair in the background seemed to join in a sweet harmony the slow rhythm of the waves. Besides they were vaguely hidden by a pier; that must be why they didn't break apart and let their instinct guide them through their caresses, the exhilaration of their souls.

They made love rocked by the melody of the ocean and the moonlight reflecting on their skins. It was sweet, tender; owned an ounce of bitterness for the situation weighing on their hearts. They reached Manhattan in the first hours of the morning as the skylines were making their way through a timid pale blue sky. The taxi stopped at her house first. She kissed him softly and disappeared behind the door; he left for Riverside Drive.

She climbed the stairs, stepped into the shower. She felt light, bewitched and still shivering as if his thrusts were still taking possession of her body. She went to bed and fell asleep almost immediately. Accidents can happen and they don't always determine the rest of an existence but playing with fire owns a certain dose of danger.

She had taken it out of the box and put it on the countertop but for some reason had finally focused on something else and her contraceptive pill had fallen down on the floor; vanishing behind a shelf. She forgot about it and succumbed to her dreams.


	13. Simbolizing feelings

**_This is my life_**  
**_Today, tomorrow love will come and find me_**

"You're beautiful."

She locked her hazel eyes with the reflection of his in the mirror, didn't move. She felt the blush rush to her cheeks. She hadn't heard him enter and she had taken advantage of his presence in the bathroom to get up and observe her body. She was completely naked in the bright light of the day and it was intimidating. She looked back at her figure before narrowing her gaze, murmuring.

"I'm old."

Will came closer to her but she raised a timid hand in the air to stop him. She didn't want to be touched, not now.

"I'm not the person people think I am; the woman I pretend to be. Look at me. The passing of time has left its prints all over."

Instinctively her fingers brushed a scar on the side of her stomach. She shivered and bit her lips.

"From my hips to my breasts, my neck; everything has changed. It looks tired. Tired to have lived."

She took a deep breath and grabbed a cashmere ankle-length cardigan; put it on quickly but stopped as the attorney embraced her waist with his hands. She turned around and stared at him. His fingertips caressed her cheek, going up along the corner of her eyes; her nose. Her makeup had faded away in the intensity of their gestures half an hour earlier. She hadn't brushed her hair either and now it was falling on her shoulders through a ribbon of curls, shining under the sun that passed by the window. Her myopia vaguely made her wince, digging wrinkles on her forehead. He parted his lips and his hot breath came by waves to her face; she didn't dare to move.

"Your imperfections make the uniqueness of the woman I love."

They finally kissed but her mind was off, wandering through the blurry reasons why Will might have fallen for her.

She had come with the intention to get it all clear; to make Karen confess what she had done with Will, what she might keep on doing. Had it just been a single encounter? They would have called it a mistake and drawn a line under it; turning the page. Something let her think the exact opposite though, a weird sentiment of incomprehension and hope. She had been observing them; not their gestures of attention towards each other but the image they gave while being together, next to each other. It sounded right, fair. But as Karen had opened the door, flashing a bright smile, Grace had backed off in retreat. She hadn't seen her friend so happy for a very long time and it was disturbing to put an end to it because of some curiosity. She didn't know how to bring it in the conversation without causing any kind of conflicts; that's why she stayed quiet, over and over.

The interior designer sipped her glass of wine and looked at the ceiling of the living-room.

Juan had worked on it during the week and it was bright now, like the rest of the house. The brownstone was beginning to get the shapes of a warm home and she couldn't but recognize how surprised she was by the millionaire's determination. It had finally paid off; she had made a very beautiful place of the ruins, against all expectations.

"Don't you feel lonely in the immensity of this house? There's the basement, the cellar; three floors…"

Karen frowned. Obviously the question hadn't even crossed her mind.

"No, I like the way it is and I feel fine here. I'm working on the attic right now; I needed a big closet and as the room covers the whole surface of the house, it sounds perfect for it, don't you think so?"

Grace nodded a bit absent-mindedly.

"So many things seem to have changed in your life, lately… Are you dating someone?"

She hadn't meant to ask such a thing in the first place; it had come up by itself. The dark-haired woman hid her blushing behind her glass of wine, took a long sip then cleared her voice, avoiding her friend's gaze.

"Why, do you want me to go on a blind date?"

"No, not at all! It's just that you have been extremely quiet on your love life since your divorce with Stan. It's not one of your usual habits."

She could have mentioned this odd period of tears and nervous breakdowns when she had lost a lot of weight and looked so pale, livid; lifeless. She didn't though, simply grabbed Karen's hand before locking her eyes with her friend's.

"All I want is your happiness, Karen. No matter whom you can date, if this person makes you smile and lights up your life then it's all fine with me; you can trust me, you know."

The millionaire blinked as her brain cells began to twirl in her head, looking for a reason to such remark from Grace. It burned her lips like one of Will's kisses. The words were shouting out loud for their release and her secret would at last be able to breathe properly. It was just a matter of sounds escaping from her mouth; but also a high dose of courage that she didn't own. She shrugged and looked down.

"I might have met someone…"

Her voice had sounded so low that for a second she wondered if Grace had actually heard her. She stared back at her friend who seemed to be taken aback but finally smiled shyly unless it was forced. She couldn't say.

"This is wonderful…"

"I'm not ready for more; I'm sorry. It's only the beginning, you know. But I honestly hope that one day you will be introduced to him because… He's kind of important to me. I just don't really understand why. It's weird."

The semi-confession tore Grace's heart in an odd way. Without asking for it, she had been given a lot more information than what she had been expecting. And Karen had opened her heart quietly; for the very first time. For some reason the red-haired woman's attention got caught by her friend's earrings. She hadn't seen them before; rubies embraced by white gold in the figure of a snake biting its tail. They were small and delicate, elegant; original, old though. She leaned over and touched them, narrowed her eyes.

"They're beautiful."

"Thank you. He found them at an antique store in Brooklyn."

Grace looked back at Karen, perplexed before the "he". It hit her mind all of a sudden. She gasped and smiled.

"Oh, it's a present from "him"?"

The dark-haired woman nodded, vaguely blushing as she also realized that her friend wasn't expecting so many details about the provenance of the jewels. She passed her tongue over her lips.

"It's the symbol of eternity, of eternal feelings…"


	14. The scar

**_But that's the way that I was born to be_**  
**_This is me, this is me_**

_Stop playing like that. You look ridiculous. You're not a teenager anymore so how can you pretend to behave like one? Put yourself in front of a mirror and dare to stare at your pitiful reflection. It's a cute story but, completely crazy. It's time for you to grow up or you will hit the wall before realizing it's a dead-end. Make a step forward and assume for once, the logic of life._

Her hazel eyes softened as she smiled at Jack and restrained a sigh of frustration. She was having doubts, way too many. Will might bring her a daily amount of sweetness and care but when she looked back at it, she couldn't help thinking how ridiculous and impossible it was. She wasn't made for a love story in the dark. She needed brightness and quietness; being peacefully rocked by a pair of arms without it sounding weird or improbable.

"Jack, I guess I have made a mistake."

She stared blankly at the actor's toe. He was going barefoot, sitting down on the couch while she had chosen the floor to let him caress her hair softly, tenderly. Will used to do it too but it sent shivers to her spine; nothing with Jack. It was just a nice attention, a friendly one.

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm falling for someone when I shouldn't because there's absolutely no tomorrow for us. I guess I just realized it."

"Come here, young lady."

Jack grabbed Karen's frame, lifted her up so that she found herself in his arms. He hugged her tight; rubbing her back. It was rare when the millionaire was going sweet like that. She only reached that state while being desperately sad.

"Talk to him. Tell him your fears. If he's the right one…"

"He can't be the right one, honey. He can't. Oh God…"

She let him play with her fingers, intertwining them, caressing her skin. She closed her eyes and swallowed back a painful sentiment that tightened her throat. She had a thing for the way he started the foreplays. It was always unusual, instinctive, sincere and unique. It came out from a detail, an innocent one and slowly, very slowly, their feelings flew over the different stages of desire before landing in a kiss.

"I need to talk to you, Will. This is important."

His hand froze on hers, she moved nervously; sighed and looked at him.

He didn't say a word though so she went on, timidly. Her voice was shaking.

"Jack told me that I should try to confess my worries so… I'm not satisfied. I need more. I feel like we are stuck and it's frustrating; too much. I won't be able to handle it for very long. This is not against you but… Damn, look at us. The whole thing is ridiculous. It's meaningless and I'm not sixteen anymore. I want something else."

Her eyes went up until they got locked with his and she shook her head; made a face.

"I'm sorry. It kills me."

Will blinked and parted his lips but obviously his brain hadn't chosen the right words yet and so he stayed quiet a bit longer before finally speaking.

"Then marry me."

Karen scoffed. It was definitely not the reply she had expected. Her heart began to pound louder; she was panicking.

"Excuse me?"

"Marry me, lets have a baby… What do I know? I don't want to lose you. It might be crazy and completely out of logic but there's no way I'm going to spend the rest of my life without you."

"We don't conceive a baby in order to resolve a situation."

The coldness of her reply took him aback; leaving him speechless. She frowned and stood up, began to pace the room nervously. Her lips were locked in a firm line. She looked severe and terribly hurt. Her hands were running from an item to another, touching them pointlessly as if her fingers were actually burning as soon as they made contact with the slightest thing.

"I'm sorry I didn't want to offend you."

"You didn't offend me. It's a general matter, that's all."

Will stoop up, troubled by the millionaire's reaction. She had been hurt for a reason he couldn't properly explain though an odd idea was going through his mind and he didn't like it; wishing nothing but for it to belong to a boundless imagination, a reassuring misunderstanding. He grabbed her wrist, forcing her to stop her wanders. She didn't turn around to face him but looked down in front of her. Anger had reddened her cheeks; her eyes seemed to be wet.

"Karen, for Christ's sake, tell me what's going on! I feel lost, I mean…"

She got rid of his grip and let a frustrating scream escape from her mouth as she leaned her head backwards. Her hands were crisped, she was breathing loud. She made a few step forwards before finally turning around then locked her furious eyes with his.

"Okay, you want to know everything? That's perfect."

She rolled up her shirt a little and pointed at the scar on the side of her lower stomach with a shaking finger.

"This hasn't been caused by appendicitis but a c-section!"

She gasped for air and swallowed back her tears, rolling her eyes; biting her lips.

"Because I did have a baby…"


	15. Sammy and other stories

**_This is my life_**  
**_And I don't give a damn for lost emotions_**

"And it didn't resolve anything!"

Karen's body bent over, broken by the weight of an old pain that had stayed hidden for too long. She burst into tears but didn't move. The confession had stolen his breath, put his whole system on pause and so he looked at her in complete disbelief. He would have loved rushing to her and hold her tight against him; comforting her tears and the injury left by such a twist at one moment in her existence but he couldn't. Her words had frozen his gestures.

She swallowed hard as her sobs hurt her throat; the slightest ounce of air as if the basic mechanism of life was punishing her for her troubled past, as if she only deserved to die. She had to go on though. Obviously she had said too much to stop now. Her breath was loud, difficult. She was shaking like a leaf.

"You know that I left home when I was sixteen…"

Will nodded. He felt embarrassed before his own incapacity to help her to overcome what was happening.

"Well I landed in Las Vegas and there I met someone… He was way older than me, a businessman. He treated me well and I was happy but after a year or so things began to get worse. Nothing really serious; it was just the end of our story, I guess. But I couldn't accept the idea. I needed him. I needed the comfort and confidence he brought to me; only not in a financial way. The attention he used to give me was exactly what I had lacked until then. Eventually he moved to Dubai and I followed him. None of us really wanted it to end. Perhaps living abroad would make it start all over again and the spell would set off. We got married but nothing improved at all… If I had known how it would turn then I would never have taken such a decision but it seemed to be an effective compromise. Having a baby would settle down our relationship. It worked out almost immediately and the fact is that it gave a new impulse to our life."

A flame began to sparkle and dance in her lonely eyes; a smile escaped, shyly, from her lips as the reminiscence hit her mind.

"The day I gave birth I felt saved, blessed. We had a son and he was the most wonderful little thing that I had ever happened to see. I loved him so much… His name is Sammy. A month passed by and I was still very tired; no matter I had a whole staff helping me at home. But the fatigue was different as if I were empty. My son was all my life, the only reason why I kept on breathing but I was only eighteen… I felt so lost there. I had no friend; nobody spoke English and I was wandering aimlessly through an unknown world. I had lost the few references that had accompanied me until then. I don't speak about my family; of course not. America. It was all I knew. At the beginning people said that my state was caused by the aftermath of the birth but it lasted too long. Besides our couple was still falling apart; it hadn't changed anything. He asked for a divorce when Sammy was eight months old. But he also asked for the full custody of our son, highlighting my depression. He won."

The dark-haired woman voice broke down but she kept on smiling forcefully to find out some courage when there was nothing to get clutched to.

"They came to the conclusion that I was mentally too weak to take care of him. I lost all my rights over my son. I wasn't even allowed to visit him. And it's not fair, you know… I never hurt him. I loved him so much. They turned me into a sort of horrible monster and…"

Her sobs that had calmed down a little started off again. Her hands were balancing from right to left on her cheeks, sweeping away her tears.

"So I came back here; then met Stanley. I haven't forgotten him but what could I do? I was alone."

"But your mother…"

"She doesn't know about Sammy, we still didn't speak to each other by then; nobody knows… I'm so ashamed… I gave up my child, Will. Now tell me what kind of mother I can be."

For the very first time since she had started speaking Karen locked her eyes with the attorney's, pleading him for a rest. He frowned, shook his head; passed his tongue over his lips.

"For knowing the law pretty well, I can tell you that it is certainly not your fault, Karen. You have done your best so don't say that. If you really were a bad mother then you wouldn't be crying right now… Have you tried to see him again?"

"How would you react if your mother suddenly showed up in your life while she abandoned you even before your first steps? I don't want to mess up his life; no more than what I have already done. I just wonder… Well, he must be a big boy now. He's going to turn twenty in December; probably in college. I hope so."

She let a long sigh escape from her lips before shrugging and narrowing her eyes at Will.

"A baby can't be seen as a solution. It's not that I had something against Olivia and Mason, you know, but I didn't want to get attached. As a matter of fact I'm not even sure that I would have another child one day. I'm sorry if it troubles your plans but… I can't afford to lose another one."

Very slowly Will found the activity of his brain, all his organs. He walked towards Karen, unsteady steps; then hugged her tight.

She seemed to be so fragile in his arms.


	16. On Peggy Lou's lips

**_I've such a lot of love I've got to give_**

**_Let me live, let me live_**

He had deep blue eyes in which the quietness of the world seemed to find a reason to be pretty easily, logically somehow. It gave him a candor that matched his soft features but damaged the passing of time over his soul because as much as he was getting older, like everyone, we didn't expect anything from him but behaving like a child. And so he went on to make people smile, to make them happy; he was so sweet. Karen narrowed her hazel eyes and winced at Jack, bitterly. They were both sitting on her bed, leafing through fashion magazines, speaking lightly but the millionaire felt the sudden urge to break down the warm atmosphere. She grabbed his hand to get his attention.

"I didn't get to break up with him; with the man I might have fallen for… Something happened and it strengthened our relationship."

"Perhaps he's the right one, Karebear. That's all. And you're just scared about all the things it means."

The dark-haired woman scoffed but backed down in retreat for her attitude sounding wrong. She shrugged, frowning. Her fingers began to play with her bedspread in a nervous motion as a loud sigh escaped from her lips.

"I'm not afraid of love and even less of being happy. It's just that it's delicate, complicated."

"But you can't imagine your life without him…"

She raised her eyebrows and nodded reluctantly then stood up, grabbing Peggy Lou that was resting on an armchair. She looked at the doll as if she were expecting a word from the rags of the lips.

"The fact is that I'm expecting a lot from him. Things that go above the dreams I may have had once; and my fears too. I want to reach…"

She passed her tongue over her dry lips. It was hard to let the words come out; no matter she was turning her back at Jack and was facing the trees of her backyard through the window. She was about to accept a notion into her reality and once she would have done it, it wouldn't be possible for her to go back and erase it. It got a frank change to her life.

"I want… I want everything with him; from a kiss in the morning to the promise for some forever, a family."

She choked on the last word. She had told Will about her son the day before and it was still burning her heart painfully. The project of living another maternity had seemed impossible until now but it was before she kissed the attorney and fell into the charms of unexpected events led by her feelings. She could have dropped everything for him; if only he hadn't been Will and she hadn't been Karen. It was way too complicated; she didn't want to mess up anything.

"You want to know something, Jackie?"

She turned around and smiled at her friend.

"Women are so complicated…"

She entered Will's flat a bit overwhelmed but froze while seeing Grace. Now that the interior designer was with Leo, she didn't stop by very often. A couple of seconds flew away before Karen adapting herself to the situation. She smiled at her friend and looked all around.

"He's on the terrace, talking over the phone to Henry. It looks like he's putting an end to their virtual relationship."

Restraining a smile, she made her way to the outdoor part of the flat; closing the door behind her. They hadn't really played with fire until then and so had kept a reasonable distance while being with their friends but she needed to feel his arms around her frame. She put her hand on his shoulder; he turned around, phone in hands but obviously he had already put an end to the call. She leaned up and closed her eyes, waiting for him to make the next move.

"Grace is in the living-room."

"The curtains are shut down; just a kiss… Please."

She deepened it almost immediately though while grabbing his neck with a sweet desire; then smiled in his mouth as he did as well, passing his hands on her waist. Very slowly she made a step backwards and leaned against the wall of bricks, caressing his ankle with her foot. She broke the kiss and began to lick his earlobe; controlling her breath to drive Will crazy before murmuring.

"I want you…"

They came back inside twenty minutes later. Jack had arrived in the meantime. She was looking at him while Grace was staring at Will; an odd silence was taking possession of the room, a heavy one. Eventually Karen cleared her voice and was already thinking about some diversion when she finally sighed; sitting down on the armchair to face her friends. She frowned and looked at her hands.

"Okay I'm tired and I feel like I'm wasting my time so… I don't know if it's the right moment or not; perhaps there's not even one. But it has to come out. There's a reason why I'm wearing these earrings all the time, Grace. I do believe in their symbol towards the man who gave them to me."

With a shaking hand she motioned the ruby snakes balancing on her earlobes. Her voice was blank, her tongue clasped against her teeth. She was anxious and didn't dare to look at Will who had stayed next to her.

"I love him. It's freaking me out but nonetheless, I do; in a way I would have never been able to imagine. I lack courage, Jack; that's why I kept on wandering through the absurdity of my head. I have lost time when I could have lived this relation shipproperly, in a full freedom of acts and care towards him. I just hope that it won't ruin anything between the four of us because you're my whole life and I wouldn't be able to handle… Oh boy… I want to hold him in my arms when I feel like it. I want to kiss him without dreading the slightest comment. I'm not a teenager anymore. It's too frustrating. He's nice, attentive and cares a lot about me. I have never felt happier since he came into my life. I don't have any excuse but the fact that I love him. I'm in love with…"

Grace and Jack gasped, hypnotized by Karen's lips then spoke at the same time in a perfectly unexpected harmony.

"Will."


	17. November, 6th

**_Funny how a lonely day can make a person say:_**  
**_What good is my life?_**

The door opened and Will stepped out, huddled before the icy wind that was blowing in the first hours of the morning; contrasting with the warmness of the bed and the sweetness of Karen's kisses. Mug in hand, the dark-haired woman leaned on the doorframe and smiled at him before leaning up, letting his lips capture hers. She let go of him and observed his figure vanishing at the corner of the street, jumping all of a sudden while facing Terence, her seven-year-old neighbor. Lost in the reminiscence of the night she had just spent in the attorney's arms, she hadn't heard him arrive and even less seen his little frame climb the stairs of her porch.

"Good morning, Miss."

"Good morning, little man…"

She opened her door wider and let the boy enter. They had developed a singular but nonetheless strong friendship and he used to stop by from time to time; just to chat and escape from his monotone day-to-day life with his mother and his five brothers. His father had died the year before of a heart attack; perhaps it was the reason why Karen actually felt close to him. They might have a bit more in common than what people would tend to expect.

"Do you want some milk or something?"

He shook his head, plunged with a deep interest in reading some novel she had abandoned on the coffee table of the living-room and yawned. She frowned.

"Terence, isn't it a school day today?"

"Oh yes it is; of course. I'm just waiting for Juan. He told me that he would give me a stamp from South America."

A bit perplexed Karen nodded and turned around before climbing the stairs then motioned to her neighbor the upper floor just in case he would need her. She stepped into the shower and closed her eyes, enjoying the heat of the water against her bare skin. Things were at last getting the shapes of a soft reality and her life sounded sweet, almost too perfect. Once they had accepted the fact that Grace and Jack had walked in on them and stayed quiet over it and the general shame flew away, the awkwardness of the situation had been substituted by a new logic; she was with Will, they were seing each other.

Her fingers caressed the fine skin of her neck where the attorney loved to plant his lips, sucking on it softly. It was when her breath became louder and she lost her senses, abdicating under his ministrations that simply drove her crazy. She raised an eyebrow, thinking about the shivers the bold kiss sent to her spine. Perhaps it wasn't the act in itself but the fact that it came from Will. A lot of men had done the same but it had never resulted so intense. A loud crash coming from the living-room making her swear between her teeth and she stepped out of the shower in a rush, grabbing a bathrobe and hurrying to the center of the damage; the kitchen area.

"Oh no, Juan… Don't tell me you have broken another tea kettle. This is a curse."

The Latino turned around and looked at Karen, a bit confused. Obviously he hadn't understood a single word of the millionaire's remark. She sighed, exasperated.

"No me digas que has roto otra tetera. Es una maldición…"

"No, la tetera está… Bueno, no sé dónde está pero nada ha sido roto; salvo a la ventana."

Her Spanish was still way too poor to get Juan's reply but as he motioned to the window behind the countertop of the kitchen, she swallowed back a wave of pure anger. For some reason she decided not to throw a single fit about it and she was about to retreat to her bedroom when a huge cardboard box planted in the middle of the living-room stopped her. She blinked then stared at Juan and shook her head.

"What is it?"

"It's a surprise for you from me."

Terence was still there, smiling brightly. She narrowed her eyes at him as the smell of a well-known plan went to her head slowly. Juan grabbed the box and winced before lifting it up in the air.

"Oh…"

She stayed speechless and kneeled down; approached a timid hand and caressed it. It was warm against her fingertips, weak but cute. The kitten looked at her and began to suck her skin with a rough tongue; it was gray, so small.

"You offered me a cat? But… I don't know… I mean."  
She was embarrassed. The words seemed to rush to her brain but twirl around way too much and it resulted impossible for her to produce the slightest sentence. Very quickly the kitten made its way towards the couch and sat down on Karen's hot water bottle. Juan laughed.

"He likes the cushions."

"It's not a cushion but a hot water bottle. I use it when…"

It worked like in this old commercial she remembered having watched a decade ago when a sugar cube fell down on another and it set off a whole mechanism, a sort of impossible round. You looked at it a bit perplexed at the beginning but then you got bewitched and ended up smiling like a child. This time though the final idea made her swallow hard.

"What day is it today?"

Her voice sounded too loud in the sudden silence of the house and she looked all around her, panicked.

"It's Monday."

"No Terence, I need a date. What is it today? I need a calendar. Who has a calendar?"

The dark-haired woman began to pace the room furiously, pointlessly. She grabbed her cell phone and dialed on it; then froze, opened wide eyes.

It was seven thirty in the morning; November, 6th.

And life seemed so fragile.


	18. I think I might be

**_Funny how a breaking heart can make me start to say:_**  
**_What good is my life?_**

She lifted her leg in the air as his hand travelled up along her black stocking. His fingers passed underneath and he started caressing her skin playfully as their kiss had got lost for a very long time in the boldness of their minds. She had put on high heels and was wearing an ankle-length dark red dress. She had worked on her hair for half of the afternoon and spent an impressive amount of time adjusting her push-up bra. She wanted to be sexy, she needed to. The attorney would think that she had tried to spice up the evening and certainly not dried her tears, buried her fears that had weighed all day long upon her heart. It had worked out; so easily. And now she was breathing loud on the couch, delighted by the way his tongue was sucking on her neck.

She had hesitated until he passed the door. Rushing in his arms and bursting into tears had sounded tempting but one more time it had all stayed trapped in her throat, burning her heart and if she had happened to plunge in his embrace, it had only been to capture his lips and send him a clear message.

She hadn't dared to make the slightest move. Huddled up on an armchair she had faced the wall in front of her in a disturbing silence while her brain cells were boiling anxiously. When had it gone wrong? When had she had failed exactly? Once Terence had left for school and Juan had headed to another house to work on, she had rushed to her bathroom and checked the box methodically. A quick glance in the mirror at her reflection and she had frowned; the tears falling down slowly. She had felt lonely and ashamed, guilty before Will's eventual reaction if it turned out to be positive. It would, she knew it would. But the attorney's point of view remained in a perfect blurriness; as much as hers as a matter of fact.

He took off her dress, kept on kissing her body then stopped all of a sudden as his lips arrived on her scar. He had never given a real importance to it until she had confessed its whole meaning and the real pain it caused to her heart. Karen looked down at Will, wondering why he had put such an abrupt end to his ministrations but swallowed hard why realizing what his eyes were staring at. The tears welled up in her eyes. That's why she had always kept it to herself. It had been evident since the very beginning that it would change everything, cause an embarrassment if not the end of a relationship. She bit her lower lip, stifling her sobs. He came back to her face, cupped it between his hands.

"Why are you crying?"

"I disappoint you, don't I?"

She pushed him away, began to get up but he caught her and kissed her deeply; locked his eyes with hers.

"Don't cry… Don't cry, Betty Boop."

She couldn't help but laugh at the unexpected nickname. His fingers swept away her tears, followed by his lips on her cheeks; he went back to her stomach and planted a kiss on her scar, murmuring that he was sorry.

Later in the evening when New York had been invaded by a light quietness and everybody was asleep, the millionaire left her bed, abandoned Will's arms for the coldness of the bathroom. She closed the door in silence, turned the light on and observed her face in the mirror. She was pale, looked tired and stressed. She gasped for air, feeling nauseous. Water splashed on her face, running down her cheeks as the tears got lost among them.

"I didn't do it on purpose; to keep you here with me. I don't even understand how it happened because I've always been so careful. I don't want to repeat the same mistakes as the ones I have made in the past. They're still hurting today. I'm not even sure that I will have enough courage to tell you about it; perhaps I shouldn't, if it turns to be positive. I can get rid of it easily, quickly. It's just that I'm not sure it's what I really want."

She was talking at Will as if he were there, next to her in the bathroom. The only difference was that she was murmuring so that the attorney could keep on sleeping on the other side of the door; she would have died at the scene if he had happened to hear her. It was her biggest fear.

She took a deep breath and felt dizzy. Her hands grabbed the countertop for balance; it started spinning around.

"What is the best thing to do now? Should I leave, break up with you? I'm not sure I can handle that to be completely honest… We have never spoken about our future; barely thought about the place we would sleep at the next night. I should have known better, I'm so sorry. I always go wrong. I have ruined it all. And I love you so much though…"

She passed her tongue over her lips and looked at the ceiling before smiling bitterly.

"The worst of all is that it was what Stanley exactly wanted… And I refused to give it to him. I'm not even sure that it belongs to your plans with me."

She grabbed a glass of water with a shaking hand and drank, slowly; very slowly before looking back at the mirror.

"I think I might be pregnant, Will."


	19. A membership card for a new life

**_Funny how often I seem to think that I'll never find a dream_**  
**_In my life_**

She tore it with strength, her fingers sliding abruptly along the cardboard box and in a furious motion she threw it in the trashcan; then left. The silence of the house was too oppressive but as soon as she stepped out in the street, she felt small, lost among the crowd. Nothing sounded right all of a sudden, absolutely nothing; from the strip on the test to the cloudy weight on her heart, it was all confused, paradoxical.

The air was chillingly icy. She huddled in her coat but nonetheless kept on walking. She went down Fifth Avenue by automatism but the windows of Barney's and Cartier didn't catch her attention at all. She even hurried while reaching them as if their mere sight was reminding her of a time that was better; or worst, she couldn't really tell now. Her steps led her to Washington Square Park and she sat down on a bench, staring blankly at the arch.

"Are you looking for something special?"

Karen turned around and raised her eyebrows before a student vaguely leaned on the bench. His accent was soft and almost imperceptible though she knew right away that he came from Vermont; probably some wealthy family that owned a cabin in the mountains.

"Why, in my times junkies didn't have a Calvin Klein membership card."

She smirked while observing his clothes with insistence, the perfection of his haircut. He was just a kid trying to become someone in The Big City; looking for another identity that would impose some respect from everybody or at least he thought so and would realize one day that he only caused pity.

"That's probably because Calvin Klein wasn't born yet."

It hit her unexpectedly and she couldn't help but scoff, obviously offended. Who was he to speak to her like that? A smile played on her lips which got her opponent surprised, leaving him completely disarmed. She narrowed her eyes and pointed at his juvenile face then nodded.

"I like you."

"So what are you doing here?"

He sat down next to her, hands in the pockets of his baggy pants and stretched his legs as if he wanted to take possession of the whole place. It made her smile; what an absurd and stupid age adolescence was.

"I came here because it's where my feet led me to."

"You seem to be lost."

"I've been living in New York for quite a while, honey. I seriously doubt that…"

"You know what I mean."

His name was Kevin. He came from Burlington and was studying medicine; would turn twenty in January, was dating a girl called Tracy, "nice but inexistent". His father was a lawyer and his mother a housewife who spent her days baking cakes and caressing a dog named Patrick. In a word, he had had a pitiful life and was desperately trying to get a new one, far from everything he knew; maybe not that far, but New York was perfect while in quest for a new identity. He was smart and so young, so happy. The millionaire kept on observing him, absorbing subconsciously the vitality of his heart; something she had lost with the passing of time.

"I'm pregnant."

It finally came out blankly, lonely in the middle of a light silence.

The night was falling down slowly and the lights of the buildings were beginning to sparkle, making the stars of the cloudy sky green with envy. It was a lovely time to go for a walk, hang out with friends and chat around a coffee. Karen shivered, looking at the ground.

"Is it a problem?"

"Perhaps, yes; I guess no, maybe not… I'm not sure."

"Is he married to someone else? Are you married to someone else?"

"No, we're both single."

"Then…"

"It's me; it's just me, I guess."

"You don't want to have a child?"

"I don't want to get hurt another time."

She came back home an hour later but left almost immediately, just the time to grab it out of the trashcan. She hailed a cab, stepped in it and looked at the streets speeding past in front of her. The car stopped in Riverside Drive. She paid the fare and headed out. A sudden desire pushed her to cross the street and she arrived breathless on the other side; observing the waters of The Hudson Rivrer in the darkness of the night, behind the trees. She took it out of her pocket, balanced her hand in the air; hesitating. Her cell phone rang; she took the call. It was Will.

"Don't leave, Karen. Don't do anything; this is what I want, with you."

Her voice seemed to lose air in her throat as if invisible gloves were tightening their grip on it and she was suffocating now.

"What are you talking about? Where are you?"

"I'm at home. Don't do anything you would regret later. It's part of my dreams, with you. And I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier. This is what I want, Kare…"  
"But what are you talking about? I don't understand."

Confused, the dark-haired woman turned around and looked for Will but he was nowhere to be seen. The sidewalks were deserted; she was alone and perplexed.

The attorney sighed, his obvious pain passing from his heart to hers in an incomprehensible motion. She passed her tongue over her lips as a wave of panic invaded her and all of a sudden she felt like she was losing him; until his voice came back to her ear.

"I want this baby with you. I really do."


	20. A matter of time

**_Till I look around and see, this great big world is part of me_******

**_And my life _**

She rushed in the elevator, pressed the button for the ninth floor and waited impatiently for the doors to open. Her heart was pounding loud and for some reason she felt exhausted, terrified. She finally reached her destination and bit her lower lip as she came to face Will who was standing in the hall. She made a few steps forwards then shook her head in disbelief.

"How did you know about my pregnancy?"

She didn't want to say 'the baby'; just in case. Perhaps it was only superstition, a ridiculous attempt to put aside an eventual risk, a miscarriage, but she couldn't help it. She wasn't that young anymore, nobody could know exactly what would happen during the next months. The attorney passed his tongue over his lips, locked his brown eyes with her hazel ones. He felt ashamed, confused and embarrassed.

"I had forgotten my cell phone at your place. I came back for lunch, went to the bathroom and… I saw the test in the trashcan. The strip was blue."

His features began to relax as a laugh escaped from his throat; a tensed smile.

*"I don't understand why they want it to turn blue. I thought that green was the symbol of hope. They should change it all."

Karen smiled back at him a bit timidly. She still had a lot of doubts about the way things were turning out. A week before she still used to see him in the anonymity of their existences and now they were about to have a family; it sounded surreal, odd even. She cleared her voice, looking aside before staring at him with an intense seriousness.

"Do you mean what you just said to me? Is it really what you want, with me? There's no way I'd force you, you know. I can get clear of the situation pretty easily. It just depends on a phone call, an appointment."

"What do you want, Karen? What's your opinion about it? The decision is pending on you because you have to follow your heart or you will regret it. It can change a whole life so your choice needs to be sure. Whatever your final decision is, I want you to know that I'm here and I support you. I will always be here. If you're not ready for it then we will wait a bit longer; we will see… And if it doesn't work out the way we want it, well I won't be less happy because I will still be with you and that's all I'm wishing for."

She shrugged and swallowed back a wave of tears, thinking how funny it was that since she was with Will, her heart was opening so wide to her feelings.  
"I just don't want to be a single mom. I'm going to need you a lot if I don't already; because I'm so scared, Will…"

She rushed in his arms before crying openly, relieved and panicked; anxious and relaxed. She had turned into an entity of paradoxes with boiling sentiments twirling around and laughing loud at her soul.

"I don't want to lose another baby, honey."

She was three-months pregnant and if the dates were right, it had been the night spent on Coney Island; under the pier, on the beach. The cardiac rhythm was perfectly regular and the foetus was developing normally. Would they want to know the sex? No, the surprise would be held until the end. The millionaire's doctor smiled and motioned to the patient to sit up. The medical exam was over; she could relax. Everything was going fine.

"I'm only here on Mondays and Tuesdays. The rest of the time I work at the hospital so if you can't make it on one of these two days for some reason, there's still the possibility for us to meet on the other side of the street. The doctor pointed at an old building, a bit gloomy, by the window. She stared back at her files and nodded.

"Did you have any issue with your first pregnancy?"

Karen felt her throat tighten. She took a deep breath, a quiet one before shaking her head.

"No, it went very well. I just needed a c-section because he didn't want to go out."

The doctor winked while leaning over. The gesture wanted to be friendly and innocent. She couldn't have guessed anyway.

"The boys are so close to their mothers, aren't they? No matter they grow up, they're still clutched to us as if we were their rocks!"

Karen smiled timidly; nodded, whispered.

"Yeah I suppose so…"

Will didn't say a word simply held her hand a bit tighter.

The coffee shop was full and noisy. She loved those places where curiously enough, she found an ounce of familiarity in the middle of the anonymity of the crowd; something she knew and could notice easily, a reassuring detail. Her fingers slid absent-mindedly on the plastic mug, tracing a line over the logo. They hadn't said a word since they had left the doctors office. Of course they were happy and relieved that everything was alright but a light shadow was covering up their hearts. Will broke the silence.

"I think you should tell her about it."

Karen frowned and stared at the floor. She was uncomfortable.

"She's not a shrink. She doesn't have to know about anything but my health. The rest is none of her business. It's nobody's business but mine."

"So you prefer to absorb the pain in silence caused by innocent remarks?"

She closed her eyes for a couple of seconds before observing a young man at the casher. He was probably in his twenties; tall, dark hair that matched his hazel eyes. He could have been Sammy but the truth was that she didn't even remember her son's features when he was a baby; the last time she had seen him. He had gone out of her mind as if he had never existed and that was a terrible feeling. She frowned, sighing.

"I'm not ready, Will."


	21. For being so secretive

**_This is my life_**  
**_Today, tomorrow love will come and find me_**

"What are you looking at?"

"I'm not looking at anything, just thinking."

Grace sat down on the edge of the bed and stared at Karen who was laid there, her eyes fixed on an invisible point. Her hands were crossed on her stomach. She seemed to be meditating but a fine line on her forehead dug her quietness, plunging it into a deeper anxiety. She turned on her side, thus revealing some skin to the light as her top had vaguely rolled up under the movement. The interior designer's eyes caught the pale complexion of her friend but she couldn't help frowning then leaned over. She approached her fingers; the contact made give the millionaire a start.

"Damn Grace! Do you really want me to have a heart attack? What are you doing?"

"I didn't know you had a scar…"

The word resounded loud and broke the sweetness of the moment. She sat up quickly, a bit too much. She felt dizzy so closed her eyes. Her hands had already covered her stomach with her sweater. The sudden reaction from the dark-haired woman troubled Grace who stayed still, blinking before the strangeness of the situation. Karen seemed to be embarrassed, ashamed.

"It's okay. There's no need to freak out. It doesn't change anything, you know."

The millionaire stood up and left the room but some words escaped from her lips in her way out; full of regrets.

"Yes it does change a lot sometimes."

Her pregnancy had been well accepted by everyone but herself; even Will's parents seemed to be euphoric. They would have never imagined that their son would have his own family one day so before the perspective of holding their grandchild in their arms, their hearts had been opened widely to Karen. As Marilyn had told her one day, the unexpected side of life could bring hopes for a change, from time to time. Her hazel eyes had stared blankly at the dish the attorney's mother was holding, vaguely wondering how people could be so sure, share a settled opinion on the way the events were turning.

She was happy to have a child with Will. She loved him a lot and their relationship was now reaching another stage, a comforting one in their choices. She hadn't made a mistake while accepting his feelings and responding to them a bit timidly at the beginning, but with more and more confidence as the days were passing by. She lacked references; he offered them to her, little by little. Then she smiled back at him and tried to put all the rest aside but it was hard, too much maybe.

Her heart was claiming for a rest, just furtive seconds to enjoy a subtle happiness but her mind only reflected the weight of the past and she woke up in the middle of the night, troubled by some baby's cries that vanished as soon as she opened her eyes. The shades of maternity had begun to show up; everything was going smoothly but it was just about appearances and Karen was fighting in silence against the ghosts of her soul. Sometimes she wondered if Will guessed it, all this blurriness inside of her. As usual she didn't dare to confess it; he was way too happy, she didn't want to mess it up. That's why she wished quitely that he would turn his face towards her one day and force her to react.

It came by itself and in the most unexpected way she could have ever imagined. Three months had passed by, Christmas in Will's arms, New Year's Eve with Grace and Jack. She was heading to a new period of her life, a brighter one. January had drawn a line under a lot of things but had also opened the doors to some wishes, shy ones. She was making plans in her head, reading parental magazines and started speaking openly about babies. She hadn't forgotten Sammy but she had nonetheless managed to coordinate her new pregnancy to the disaster of the previous one and it made her proud somehow.

She was walking down Madison Avenue with Grace when the pain hit her violently in her lower back. She recognized the first signs of a contraction but she was only six-months pregnant; it was way too early. They rushed to the hospital, panicked and waited in a heavy silence for her doctor to come up. She finally arrived as Karen was playing nervously with the sheets of the bed she had sat on.

"Well, what is happening here? Someone has decided to play with our nerves?"

The millionaire smiled forcefully but kept on staring at the young man standing next to the doctor.

"Oh, this is one of my students; he's going to assist me today and perhaps all along your pregnancy if you don't mind of course."

"No, it's okay."

The doctor gave some instructions to the student and left, leaving him alone with Grace and Karen. He began to touch her stomach and smiled reassuringly.

"Those sudden contractions hadn't happened during your first pregnancy?"

She felt her cheeks getting hot, burning her. Blinking, she avoided her friend's gaze before shaking her head then murmured.

"No; it had gone well except that time when I had eaten lobster and obviously I was allergic to it."

"What did they have give you?"

"I don't know; I don't remember it."

"What was your hospital?"

"It was the American hospital of Dubai…"

She wished she could have disappeared from the surface of Earth. The interior designer didn't move, stayed quiet. The student raised an eyebrow, obviously surprised; somewhat amused.

"When was it? I didn't see it on your file."

"It was in 1982; twenty years ago."

Her voice got lost in the depths of a boiling nightmare. The tears welled up in her eyes but she swallowed them back. The reaction of the student took her aback and so she didn't have enough time for self-pity. He literally froze before excusing himself and rushing out. Her doctor arrived immediately, for her highest relief. At least she wouldn't have to tell it all to Grace in the tiny and gloomy room of the hospital.

"So how did it go with Sammy? He's a very brilliant student; the first one I have who comes from Dubai. Isn't that exotic? His family's still out there so we celebrated his twentieth birthday here, at the hospital."

Her heart stopped unless it started beating quicker. She couldn't tell; she had lost her senses a couple of minutes earlier. Her voice sounded blanked, weak as she finally managed to speak.

"When was it?"

The scientist finished up filling a form and smiled.

"It was in December; December 16th. Funny coincidence if we check your medical file, no? You gave birth to your son on the exact same day; at the exact same place. They should meet!"

Karen's soul broke into pieces.


	22. Dialogue

**_But that's the way that I was born to be_**  
**_This is me, this is me_**

She excused herself with a light movement of her hand towards Grace before walking anxiously towards Sammy. He was reading some file, frowning; obviously lost in his thoughts, just as she used to do. He had delicate features and was tall, a lot more than his father as long as Karen could remember. She cleared her voice but didn't dare to cross his gaze. She felt his eyes on her; she blushed.

"You're my mother, aren't you?"

"I guess so."

He put down the file on the counter a bit too loudly, then looked around and shrugged.

"Do you have some time for a cup of coffee? Well, you'd better make it some tea."

She could perceive an ounce of regret in his voice as he quietly mentioned her pregnancy. She nodded and motioned at Grace that she needed intimacy which the interior designer, nonetheless still overwhelmed by the news, understood immediately. She nodded back at the millionaire and sat down on an armchair, picking up a magazine.

The cafeteria was empty apart from a couple of teenagers who should have never been there but at school. They were laughing loud, their voices getting lost in the old tune playing in the background. They sat down at a table and stared at their mugs in silence, not knowing what to say. She would have loved observing him, asking him a thousand questions about his life; his favorite color, his biggest dream. But the weight of the past prevented her from doing it and so she stayed quiet. He broke off the silence in an unexpected way.

"He told me you had died."

The remark made her gasp then frown. She shook her head, opened her mouth to reply but she didn't find a single word to translate her feelings properly. Sammy went on.

"He said that you had died in a car crash when I was a few months old. Obviously you're not. Could you tell me what happened because right now I'm kind of lost?"

"I suffered from depression, our marriage fell apart and so he cut me off over the slightest right over you."

It fit in a single sentence; all her pain for over two decades could be announced through a couple of words. She found it ironical. How life could be hard but at the same time so tiny. Her son blinked, trying to analyze the new information and making a correspondence with the ideas he had been taught until then. It was hard to get.

"Did you try to find me at one moment? Why haven't you fought more for me?"

"You know how your father is powerful… I was nothing without him, without his money. I abdicated and it nearly killed me. You have no idea how it hurts to lose a child's custody. It's awful… No, I didn't try to find you because I thought that I would mess up your life if I did. And it's the last thing I want to do."

"I missed a maternal figure while growing up. It hurts too…"

"Oh I know about that. My own mother wasn't really an impressive model… I'm sorry but I don't know what to say to you. It's odd."

He nodded and sighed; took a sip of his drink and pointed with his head at her stomach.

"So you're married? I saw that you don't have any other children…"

"No, I'm divorced but in a relationship now. He's the best man I ever met and that's probably why I will not marry him. I guess I don't get on well with marriage."

Sammy smiled and laughed timidly. His eyes were sparkling but the dark-haired woman couldn't say if it was in delight or because he felt hurt and was swallowing back his tears.

"I'd like a lot to see you again, Karen… If you don't mind of course; I don't want to force you in any way."

He had called her by her first name, thus putting an implicit distance between them. Perhaps it had been subconscious but deep inside herself she was sure that he would never really be able to accept the fact that she was his mother. It tore her heart but she smiled; biting her lower lip.

"I would love to, honey. I would really do."

"I'm sorry if I rushed away while in the room… It just that it hit me like…"

"Like a ton of bricks; yeah, I know. I felt that too. But the baby is fine, you know. I have to rest, that's all. Apparently my life is a bit too stressful for a pregnancy so I'm going to slow down..."

"Was I an accident? You got me when you were eighteen years old; it's not the typical plan at this age…"

"No, you weren't. The reason why I decided to have you in the first place was wrong but you've been desired all along, by your father and I. Things didn't turn how we thought they would, that's all."

"He's a great dad, you know. He has always been there for me. I'm just not sure why he lied about you."

"I think he only tried to protect you from me."

_And that's a terrible realization for me, Sammy._


	23. The past

**_This is my life_**  
**_And I don't give a damn for lost emotions_**

She looked at the spoon twirl around in the dish and she felt nauseous. The fact was that she was hungry but way too stressed to enjoy properly the delicious smell of the dinner. A sigh of exasperation escaped from her lips. She clasped her tongue against her teeth then began to balance nervously on her feet which got on the attorney's nerves almost immediately.

"Karen go to sit down and have a rest. There's no need for you to go into labor in the middle of your living-room; especially not tonight."

The millionaire pouted, jealous before the quietness of Will and finally obeyed; grabbed a chair and sat down. Her nails found a new concentration on the table, producing an annoying and fast melody. She had a dream the night before and everything went wrong. They had all ended up storming out for different reasons that even though, now looked ridiculous and absurd, had nonetheless had their effects in the middle of the night. She had needed three hours to get back to sleep, afraid it might have been a sign.

She had only spoken to him at the hospital for half an hour or so, no more. Perhaps it was too early and her idea to invite Sammy over at her place to share a dinner with her friends would trouble her son even more . He needed time to adapt himself; she shouldn't run like that. She bit her lower lip and moaned. What if her dream turned out to be closer to the truth than what she was expecting it to be? She didn't have a second more to think about it. Someone knocked at the door. Grace and Jack never did; it had to be him.

He was a nice person, extremely polite and friendly. They avoided dark points of their lives that Karen had vaguely mentioned to Grace and Jack the day she had had to face the obligation to confess her Dubai secret. It had been hard. She had never lied to them but the occultation of her past owned a similar resonance and so she had felt ashamed. They had simply listened to her words, a bit stunned though but they hadn't complained; hadn't pointed at any paradox, a weakness from her. It had sounded warm but falsely fair. She still couldn't pardon herself.

Sammy finally left, engraving a light smile on her lips as she closed the door and turned around to face her friends. She felt intimidated but simply sighed and went to sit down on the couch next to Will who had kept on holding her hand all along the dinner, caressing it softly from time to time as he felt her body get tensed.

"What are you thinking about?"

She leaned her forehead against the window and stared at the backyard in the dark. Jack and Grace had left but she couldn't resign to go to bed. Something bothered her way too much for that. She shrugged, shivered as Will came closer behind her and put his hand on her shoulder. Her eyes narrowed as if she couldn't see properly outside.

"He shouldn't have come back into my life…'

Regret could easily be perceived in her voice while a wave of tears simply brushed her vocal chords and so she sounded weak. The attorney passed his arms around her waist, kissing her cheek tenderly.

"Everything is going to be fine… Look, tonight we had a wonderful time."

"He will never be my child. You know, for years I dreamed about what's happening now but I just realized that it was actually worse because it emphasizes all the things I have missed; even more with him."

She shook her head then passed her tongue over her lips. Her words were harsh but sincere; desperately honest before the depths of her heart.

"I'm not sure I really want to handle that."

"Would you like him to call you 'mommy'?"

Ironically the baby kicked. They both looked down at her stomach instinctively then passed the palms of their hands over it as if the light caress was enough to ease their unborn child.

"He will never consider me as his mother. I know that it's quite fair but I also know how it hurts, way too much."

She got released from Will's arms. The embrace was becoming suffocating. She rushed to the bathroom, murmuring.

"I need a shower."

The attorney frowned. It broke his heart to see her torn between a strong desire to make peace with the past and the sequels it had left over her mind.

Like every night his hands slid on her body as he caressed her skin, putting on lotion. It had turned into a sweet ritual since the oversize of her stomach limited her own movements. He concentrated on the sweetness of his fingers over her skin, trying to ease her fears; calm her down. She needed to rest but against all the appearances she accepted to show, she was a nervous wreck and it didn't match with her pregnancy at all. She needed comfort but implicitly. If the demonstration was too evident then she would refuse it; it was the way she used to work, Will knew it.

Karen would never let her guard fall down and recognize her real needs.

She felt asleep in his arms, a smile playing on her lips. It was just a matter of minutes before another sleepless night took her away in a whirl of doubts, lonely ones. She simply pretended and kept her eyes closed for Will.


	24. Of love and fears

**_I've such a lot of love I've got to give_**  
**_Let me live, let me live_**

His finger slid on her lips, embracing the lines of her skin softly. She smiled and kissed the sudden intrusion against the doors of her mouth. She had always imagined that Will was tender like that in his relationships. He liked cuddling and murmuring sweet words to her ear; taking her in his arms, like now. She wasn't used to such effusion of care but it was slowly becoming a strong and addicting habit. Her foot caressed his bare ankle. The baby kicked, she sighed and rubbed the side of her stomach. The weight of the child was hurting a bit lately. Had it happened the first time, when she was expecting Sammy? She couldn't remember. Her last pregnancy was cloudy; after all those years trying to draw a line under it, her memories had finally plunged into the darkness of an old experience saving nothing but the harsh details that ruined her day-to-day life.

She rolled on her back and stared at the ceiling. The spring had showed up a few days earlier, taking away the whirls of snow and the gray of a monotone sky of winter. She had bought the townhouse without even thinking about the seasons and the influence they would have over the rooms but now that the sun was shining brightly, the dark-haired woman could fully appreciate the light reflecting on every single floor. The trees of the backyard were in full blossom and the shadows of their leaves seemed to be playing shadow puppets on the walls of her bedroom, balancing slowly under the rhythm of the soft breeze. Will planted the palm of his hand on her stomach; frowning.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes, don't be worried; this child just has an impressive amount of vitality and it hurts a bit."

"Perhaps he's not fond of witnessing his parents cuddling."

The attorney kissed her neck and she let a light laugh escape from her heart then bit her lower lip as his boldness became more and more evident under the passing of the seconds. It was Tuesday afternoon and they were both in bed, not at all troubled by some crazy schedule to respect, an appointment or the simple rules defined by their jobs. She had turned off the lights of the office on Friday for the very last time and wouldn't go back until she felt ready. She was on maternity leave and Will had taken advantage of it to get a week off. He preferred to keep most of his vacations for the birth and the first month after it. He wanted to be there, next to the millionaire, helping her at the most and enjoying his paternity properly. He was excited by the idea of becoming a parent.  
While he was tracing a path of kisses along Karen's hip and caressing her breasts, he stopped abruptly and looked at the mattress blankly.

"Perhaps we should have lunch instead, you know."

Too lazy to support all her weight on her elbows the dark-haired woman opened her eyes widely, and frowned at the ceiling.

"What, why, what again, have you lost your mind?"

"You're almost eight-months pregnant, Karen. We have already made love this morning."

"And so what? Have I exceeded my daily quota? I hope you're not serious because I'm afraid you have gone too far to stop now and… The fact is that I can't finish it by myself; my stomach is too huge now and my arm is too short... So you have to help me; right now."

"But what if it sets off the labor? You know that it can happen."

Karen sighed, obviously exasperated but a wave of patience won over her voice and so she answered calmly.

"You can make it slow, Will… We're not in a rush. I can feel it when it's not good; when it gets me tired. I swear to you that I'm fine so… Let's just take our time."

The attorney smiled and captured her lips in a tender kiss while placing himself between her legs for a few seconds. They rolled on a side; going back to their caresses.

She was panting loudly when the phone rang. Will hesitated a furtive moment, froze; but Karen's hand grabbed his nape and she pushed him against her back, asking him implicitly to go on. His lips found her neck as the thrusts of his hips made her moan. She loved feeling the heat of his body against hers and the fact that he was behind her, making it impossible for her to see him, gave some mischievousness to his kisses on her shoulders; to his hands travelling up and down her legs, her breasts. She had always needed a full contact with him in the intimacy of their desires but her pregnancy had reduced the chance to get it by a considerable amount; driving her crazy.

She forgot about the phone until she saw the signal on the answering machine a couple of hours later. She had put on one of Will's shirts then headed to the kitchen to get some water. She pressed the button and took a sip. At the beginning she frowned and put an instinctive hand on her stomach as her doctors voice resounded in the living-room. Was there something wrong with the baby? She got close to the truth, way too much not to burst into tears.

"Karen… I called you because apparently he wanted too; he had written your name under 'emergency'. I'm not sure I understand why though. Anyway, something happened to Sammy. And it's pretty serious. I'm sorry."


	25. Topics

**_Sometimes when I feel afraid, I think what a mess_**  
**_I've made of my life_**

She leaned her head on her arm and stared at his closed eyes just a few inches away from hers. The room was so quiet that it sent shivers to her spine. Life had already left the place, abdicating before death and dark thoughts. She grabbed his hand, held it tight and frowned as another wave of tears started running on her face, silent ones. The night had fallen over New York a couple of hours earlier but she hadn't moved, hadn't looked up at the sky by the window, afraid to face the idea that time hadn't stopped and was still passing by slowly; as if nothing had happened.  
He hadn't seen the car. It was as stupid and absurd as that. He had crossed the street without checking before and the next thing they knew was that he had collapsed on the asphalt, unconscious and bleeding.

Will entered the bedroom and put a comforting hand on Karen's shoulder. She was almost laid on the bed next to her son, looking after him as we would before a child suffering from nightmares. But he was old enough to live on his own. She passed her tongue over her lips. How funny life could be, how fragile; it depended on a step on a sidewalk, a word, a glance. And then it was gone. Why had she got the chance to see him again if it was for such a ridiculous time?  
"He won't wake up tonight; if he ever does at all."

She said it to nobody in particular for Will knowing that Sammy was in a coma. Perhaps saying it out loud would help her to accept the idea.

"We have to go, Karen. It's time."

She nodded then bit her lower lip while starting to move out from her son's arms; she planted a kiss on his forehead, let her fingers caress his skin and left.

"Do you want to take a bath? You're shaking."

"I don't know."

They had come back home in a heavy silence. As soon as she had opened the door, she had headed to her bedroom mechanically before sitting down on the mattress. She hadn't moved then, just stared blankly in front of her. The attorney rubbed her back to warm her up. He planted a kiss on her temple, hugging her tightly. She didn't respond but nonetheless let him do.

He changed her clothes and put her in bed after having given her a sleeping pill prescribed by her doctor. The duvet was warm against her cold body but she mostly found the courage to close her eyes and fall asleep while in Will's arms; listening to his regular heartbeats. That was reassuring.

It was strange to give life little by little to a child while losing another one but one more time Karen didn't really complain and tried to adapt herself to it; more or less successfully. She spent a lot of time at the hospital, pressing Sammy's hand, talking to him about how life was waiting for him. She never really thought that he would ever open back his eyes to her though and so very slowly she abdicated before the idea.

"I'm losing him. I can feel it. All the things we have missed."

She rolled her eyes and cupped her mug with her hands; tried to swallow back her tears, smiling weakly at Grace. They had decided to spend the afternoon together and even though both of them knew that it was Will's strategy not to let the dark-haired woman alone for so many hours in the gloomy room with Sammy, they had to recognize that it was pleasant. They hadn't had a face-to-face in what looked like years.

Grace grabbed her hand and frowned, not really knowing what to say.

"You have to keep hope. We never know."

"It's not so easy, Gracie. I wish I could but the days are passing by and it's getting worst. I know it. They don't want to freak me out because I'm pregnant but honestly, one day they will stop the machines. It's fair somehow. I want him to die with dignity; he deserves it."

She took a sip of her tea and hesitated before finally letting the words come out. She had been thinking a lot about it lately. It was increasing her anxiety; she was stressed.

"I hope I'm not expecting another boy. I'm not good with men. And I'm not sure I could handle it."

"You will love this child no matter what the sex. You already do; it's so logical, normal. It doesn't mean you will have to turn the page over Sammy if he happens to…"

Karen pouted, unconvinced; then sighed and smiled, raising her eyebrows.

"There's something I want to ask you… I've thought about a couple of things for the nursery but obviously I don't manage to get it all right. I told Will about it and we came to the conclusion that you were the person we were looking for. Would you like to decorate the room? I have the ideas and the main lines… I need you to make them real."

"Oh Karen of course I do. I'm touched; I really am."

Grace smiled brightly before her professionalism coming back immediately. She put aside her empty plate and took a sheet of paper and a pen out of her bag; putting them on the table.

"Okay so tell me what you were thinking about."

Sometimes it was good to change the topic.


	26. It comes with lilies

**_Crying over my mistakes, forgetting all the breaks_**  
**_I had in my life_**

She smiled as soon as someone entered the room she was in, like by automatism. She could feel her lips getting tensed and the truth was that she warmed up then but while being alone again, she only thought about Sammy. She hated it, getting the sentiment that she was also ruining her new pregnancy for not paying enough attention to it. She did though. She spent a lot of time talking to the baby and if it wasn't out loud then she was sure that her child got the message from her heart. Connections between a mother and a child were weird and mysterious but so strong.  
Will pushed away from her face a strand of hair then passed his arms around her waist. He pushed her closer to his body and locked his eyes with hers. He wasn't smiling, just observing her; trying to pass underneath her skin, to her bones then reach her heart to ease her silent pain. She nodded in an implicit motion and looked down at her clothes. She had been working in the backyard, taking care of new plants and now her sweatpants were full of dirt; like her top. Karen sighed and raised her eyebrows.

"I should take a shower and get new clothes. There's no way I'll have Jack and Grace see me wearing sweatpants; besides dirty ones. I don't know what kind of plans you settled on, but even though I still do think that a baby shower at my age is extremely ridiculous… I'll go for a decent outfit."

Her pregnancy had stirred up a wave of anxiety before her age and the slightest remark could turn into a national tragedy. She got hurt easily and seemed to be moving forward while being on the defensive side all the time. It was hard to bear, for everyone.

"I wonder how you can be so patient with her."

Grace had told Will one day a few hours after the millionaire had thrown him out of her house because he had forgotten to buy cookies. He had just shrugged and smiled evasively.

"I'm just in love with her. She means so much to me…"

He could have added that her behavior was understandable according to the things she was going through but he had stayed quiet over it. Sammy's coma wasn't an excuse; even the dark-haired woman would have scoffed and been offended if someone had advanced such theory.

Apart from the pink and blue balloons suspended in the air, brushing the ceiling of the living-room as the worst cliché ever, she was enjoying the baby shower. After all it was just another afternoon spent with her friends and she was even getting presents. She had begun to think that it might not have been such a ridiculous idea when Jack tended her another present. She frowned and looked at him in disbelief. All the things she wanted were already on the coffee table. They had all respected the list she had given them meticulously and there was nothing to be left.

"What is it honey?"

Jack shrugged, pretending to be intimidated.

"Open and you'll see."

She did; gasping as she took her friend's own teddy bear out of a box. She had always seen it on the actor's bed or near by it. She knew how much it meant to him.

"Oh my God… I can't. No, no, it's yours. It holds way too many responsibilities. I saw what you did the day it nearly flew by the window. It's not a good idea at all."

"It has to be yours, Karebear. I want your child to get it and… The fact is that I never told you how I used to call it, right?"

The millionaire shook her head then grabbed Will's hand for support. She was moved by the gesture. It was rare from Jack but when he did open his heart and be sincere, it was the most touching moment in the world. He cleared his voice, seemed to hesitate.

"Well I used to call it Sammy."

Nobody said a word. She looked down at the bear a bit blankly. Her fingers were holding it tight as if she were afraid to let it fall down; as if it would have broken into pieces like her own son. She finally rushed in Jack's arms and hugged him with awkwardness but honesty. Her life sounded right all of a sudden, no matter someone was dying; not that she didn't care, of course she did, but because she had just realized that she wouldn't have to go through it alone. And it was a bright change in her life. Someone knocked at the door. She stood up with difficulty and went to it.

The worst of all was that he hadn't changed that much; perhaps put on a few pounds but nothing more. His features had remained the same, as well as his smile. This time it made her freeze though. Why did the ghosts from her past have to rush back into her life all of a sudden? She opened her mouth to speak but the words stayed trapped and her lips moved in silence. The baby kicked; she frowned and looked down at her stomach.

"Who is it, Karen?"

She heard Will's voice in the background but didn't turn around to face at him. She blinked, just to make sure that she wasn't dreaming; then whispered.

"It's Bill."

The man tended her flowers; white lilies. She couldn't help but smile, a bit bitterly.

"I though you would have forgotten that they're my favorite."


	27. The circle of things

**_I was put on Earth to be, a part of this great world is me_**

**_And my life_**

Tragedies had this peculiarity to make people get closer. Perhaps human beings had a thing for dramas and dark events and once something happened, the eyes got clutched on the dead, the car crash and the blood like an odd addiction; a sentiment of perversity before people's misfortunes. She hadn't meant to stumble on Sammy while turning a page over in her life and starting a very different one, more peaceful. It might have been written somewhere, definite rules that she hadn't heard about. In order to get novelty, she had to make the peace with her past and so the ghosts wouldn't stop coming back to her until she accepted to face them and deal with their meanings. Wasn't it odd then that one of them had plunged into a coma? How could she catch up time now?

Nobody had told Bill about her pregnancy. He had just been given Karen's address while being told that his son's mother used to visit every day. He had taken a cab and headed to Harlem a bit surprised by the area. He knew the dark-haired woman for having shared her life for quite a while and popular districts weren't her thing. It didn't cross his mind that she could have made her existence on her own, far from the sparkling of diamonds and dollars. He had thought about her very often, wondering where she was, what she had become. He had never got worried about her though; as much as she had left him in the middle of a depression, it was clear that she belonged to these people who always found a way to become who they wanted to be. It was her own way to succeed.

They hadn't spoken about the past, simply sat down on the couch of the living-room and after the logical introductions, the afternoon had gone smoothly as if they were old friends, very old ones. They hadn't mentioned Sammy either; what for? They both knew the reason why they had come back into each other's life. That was enough; they had banned self-pity.

A week passed by as an odd routine began to set off in their lives. She hadn't seen Bill for twenty years and all of a sudden reality made her cross him every day at the hospital. He used to bring some tea. She had forgotten that he didn't like coffee. They sat down next to their son's bed and stayed quiet during hours; wishing nothing but a move, the slightest one. They left a bit discouraged but hid it behind a smile as if nothing happened and Sammy remained in his sleep, so far from them.

She was about to hit eight and a half months when her waters broke. She was peacefully reading an essay about education when the liquid ran down her legs and made her heartbeats speed up their pace. She left for the hospital with Will and while looking at the buildings through the window of the taxi, she only thought about Sammy. Could it be possible that the birth of the baby would signify the end of her son's slow death? As if life was about to face its worst enemy and from the fight would result the crash of all the elements from her past; just in order for her new existence to set off properly. Sammy would die and she would welcome a new entity in her arms; her mistakes would fly away and she would be given another chance. She swallowed hard and controlled a contraction. Perhaps she shouldn't try to forget it all; some memories deserved to remain in her heart.

Grace and Jack arrived and stayed next to her until she got transferred to the labor room with Will. She was anxious; not for the labor in itself as it wasn't the first time but because she wasn't due until three weeks or so. The midwife reassured her; everything would be fine.

She had been told the same twenty years ago in Dubai.

She looked at Will; he grabbed her hand then leaned over, murmuring to her ear that he was there and would always be.

Madeleine was born on May, 14th at three in the morning. She was a healthy little girl who found her place in her parents' hearts immediately. The first contact with her mother's skin caused a moment of silence, of peace in the boiling turmoil of existence. For a couple of seconds Karen closed her eyes and held her tightly against her chest. She had almost forgotten about the smell of a baby and the weird sensation of life between her hands; and how such a tiny person could actually be strong enough to breathe.

Later in the morning she pushed the door of the bedroom and looked at the shadows of the furniture. An old blue seemed to be enveloping the place. She shivered, tightened her grip over her daughter but nonetheless made a step forward; sitting down next to his bed. She turned the new-born around and cleared her voice.

"This is Maddie… I wanted you to see her. Maddie, honey… This is Sammy. He's your brother."

Perhaps it was a maternal instinct but Sammy never woke up and officially died on a Sunday morning. She was giving a bath to Madeleine with Will when the phone rang. It was Bill; he was crying. And everything was told, then; implicitly. There was no need to say it out loud, she had got it.

The funeral took place three days later with only a few relatives. The sun was shining brightly in a limpid blue sky; the birds were singing. It was a lovely spring day, already halfway to summer, it didn't match at all with mourners. Life seemed to be shouting loud for its presence all over. It warmed up her heart.

Her rose flew in the air with the lightness of love before landing softly on the oak of the coffin. She closed her eyes, leaned her back against Will's chest and kissed Madeleine's head softly.

Her daughter was sleeping peacefully.

She smiled.


End file.
